A Dahl’s House

First posted at Shakesville, then at Trans Group Blog and Bilerico.

Last Wednesday was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me.

I took grim satisfaction that the Library of Congress was ordered to pay Diane Schroer nearly $500,000 in what is the largest award in transgender job discrimination case. (Short version: Schroer, a former Army Special Forces commander, was widely agreed to be the most qualified applicant for a job as a terrorism analyst, but when the woman who offered the job found out that Schroer was transitioning from David to Diane, she had a blatantly transphobic freak-out and yanked the job offer the next day. We’re still waiting to see if the Obama administration will appeal the decision.)

I was pleased to see the U.S. House of Representative once again passed a bill expanding anti-hate crimes laws to include both sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. (The real test will be when the Senate votes on it.)

I was ecstatic when the New Hampshire Senate unexpectedly passed a marriage equality bill, making that state poised to become the fifth one to allow same-sex marriages.

But there was also some news you probably didn’t hear about. That same morning, the New Hampshire senators unanimously — let me repeat that, unanimously — voted to kill a bill that would have extended housing and employment anti-discrimination protections to trans people.

This came after the fundamentalist haters used a campaign of bearing false witness lies to portray it as a “bathroom bill” — a nickname picked up and used by the local media — that would allow male sexual predators in dresses into women’s bathrooms. (Never mind that there’s been no bathroom incidents in the 13 states that have similar laws. Or that trans people are already in bathrooms, because you know… sometimes we have to pee too.) Now evidently there was some sort of political maneuvering behind the vote, since even the sponsors voted against their own bill. One of the sponsors said that passing it now would only worsen the situation for trans people because of the way the bill was portrayed. (I guess they had to destroy the village to save it….) But whatever the good intentions, the 24-0 vote wound up sending the message: You don’t deserve the same rights as everybody else. You don’t even deserve a valient-but-losing effort. You just don’t matter.

It was yet another Prop. 8-like moment for trans issues, particularly given the contrast to the same-day marriage equality vote. I feel the same sort of bitter aftertaste to sweet success that I felt on Election Night. I’m beginning to feel like we trans people are human shields, taking the brunt of the anti-LGBT hatred out there while marriage equality is becoming mainstreamed. We’re “those people,” the ones who can be demonized, the ones who by comparison make the shiny, happy sex-same couples waiting to walk down the aisle looking ever so “normal.” Because after all, they’re the ones who matter.

You probably didn’t hear about the vote, not even in the LGBT media/blogosphere. I guess having a ghost at the banquet is a bit of a downer. (FYI, I know a number of these sites knew about the story because I personally alerted them to it.) The thing is, it’s just latest incident in their all-too-frequent deafening silence when it comes to trans-related issues and news. Schroer’s victory was also MIA today. A week ago, a jury in rural Colorado took less than two hours to convict the killer of Angie Zapata of first degree murder and committing a hate crime — the first U.S. hate crime conviction ever in the murder of a trans person. It was the trans communities’ equivalent of the Matthew Shepard murder and attracted hordes of attention from the mainstream media. The gay and lesbian media… not so much (with a few notable exceptions) — even on the eve of the federal hate crimes bill going to a vote. Because apparently the T in LGBT doesn’t seem to matter.

But I wouldn’t give the MSM a cookie either. All too often their coverage began: “A man who claimed he snapped after discovering a transgender woman was actually male…” — repeating as fact the exact same self-serving “trans panic” defense, the same “deceptive tranny” victim blaming, that the jury specifically rejected. Nor did they bother to mention that the evidence showed Zapata’s killer knew she was trans 36 hours before she died, that there was no evidence that Zapata had sex with him that night she died, that he returned to finish her off when he realized she wasn’t dead yet. Because we don’t matter enough to get the story right.

I’ll admit it, my nerves are a bit raw about this. In the past few weeks, we’ve seen a feminist blogger crack a tranny “joke” and then tell people who objected to lighten up (and STFU). Because after all, it was about “Mann Coulter” so it was OK. We’ve seen similar “you’re just being too sensitive” comments posted over at Bitch Magazine directed toward those who thought a cartoon about lesbians who fetishize trans men was embodying the very attitudes it supposedly was critiquing. We’ve seen a series of problems with trans people being silenced in the comments discussions at Feministing and Feministe. (Though to their credit both sites are trying to address the problems.) These problems ranged from plain old privileged cluelessness — “stop the discussion until someone explains what ‘cisgender’ means because I can’t be bothered to figure it out for myself,” to “I want to talk about how I deserve a cookie for being so enlightened about those exotic trans people,” to “I know the post was about trans rights, but I want to talk about how I don’t like sharing bathrooms with men” — to insisting that people’s lives conform to someone’s pet ideology, to outright transphobic attacks. When men engage in this sort of silencing behaviors, especially in feminist spaces, many feminist women are quick to anger and quick to call them on their shit. But when some of these very same women do the exact same thing to trans people… well, not so much. Because we don’t matter.

Except, we do.

When I started this blog, I mentioned that there might be odd pauses and occasional silences. I just didn’t realize that they might last as long as they had. But after some folks mentioned they were bookmarking me (hi Shakers!), that’s given me a needed kick in the ass. More coming soon…

At least 150 locals in Silverton, OR showed their support for the first openly transgender/gender queer person elected major – Stu Rasmussen, who sees himself as male but who had breast implants and presents himself as a woman — drastically outnumbering the quartet of Westboro haters who had come to protest and get their media fix.

Best sign of the day: “My love is bigger than your hate.” And there was this heart-warming encounter:

A woman pushing a baby jogger past City Hall did a doubletake on her run, backing up to question 16-year-old Victoria Phelps, whose family runs the small Kansas church.

“I’m a Christian,” Lesley Brighton said, clearly perplexed by the girl’s “God Hates Fags” sign. “This is some kind of joke, right?”

No, it’s deadly serious, Phelps replied. Electing a transgender mayor, she said, was an abomination.

“I don’t expect for it to sink in but it’s our duty to come out here and preach to these people because they’re so proud of having a transvestite mayor,” Phelps said. “It’s disgusting. And where was it? Was it Isaiah? Deuteronomy? About it being an abomination?”

Brighton shook her head. “I’ve read the Bible cover to cover,” Brighton said. “Bottom line: love beats hate.”

Even the comments about the newspaper story — which are all-too-often seem to bring out the haters whenever it’s a trans-related article — were a pleasure to read.

Finally, one of the locals gives his account of the counter-protest (and thanks for showing your support Barry!). As he put it: “[T]he good guys won. And we did a good thing.” That you did, that you did.

* For those who didn’t get the headline reference, here’s an explanation (be sure to read the plot outline).

Today is the annual Transgender Day of Remembrance, where the trans communities remember those of us who died violently almost 40 this year. Given the relative sizes of the LGB and T communities, it’s probably comparable to 400 gays and lesbians being killed annually. (Huuuullo… Mike Huckabee.) Not all identified themselves as trans — i.e. a transsexual, crossdresser, transvestite, drag queen/king, gender queer, etc. The best known of the victims — Lawrence King — may have been on his way to growing to be a trans woman, or as an femmy gay man. But thanks to his killer, we’ll never know. But those who hate us don’t bother to draw the distinctions that those of within the LGBT communities can be so insistent on making.

Some of them died in “classic” hate crimes. Others died as a result transphobia and homophobia that put them at risk — such as those who ended up as sex workers because they couldn’t find work elsewhere  — it’s legal to fire someone for being LGBT in 31 states. In some cases, hate crime charges could not be filed, since LGBT are excluded from them in a number of states.

But words fail me, so I’ll let the dead speak for themselves.

Elly “Sayep” Susanna
Location: Jl. Latuharhari, Central Jakarta, Indonesia
Cause of Death: During a police raid, I was pushed into a river by police, who threw stones at me until I drowned.
Date of Death: November 2007

Brandon Griffin
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Cause of Death: I was 17 when I shot several times and found lying face down in the bushes. Police say the alleged killer was angry because he believed I was telling people that he slept with transsexuals.
Date of Death: November 8, 2007

Thanawoot Wiryananon
Location: Patong, Thailand
Cause of Death: I was strangled, stabbed in the neck, and hit in the head with a blunt object, and then dumped in the woods.
Date of Death: November 16 2007

Sally (Salvador) Camatoy
Location: Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Cause of Death: I was a Filipina transsexual who performed in drag shows, and featured in the documentary “Paper Dolls.” I was found dead in the street with my head bashed in.
Date of Death: November 19, 2007

Kellie Telesford
Location: Thornton Heath, UK
Cause of Death: I was strangled with my own scarf, which was so tight around my neck that it needed to be cut off. My accused killer Shanniel Hyatt, was acquitted — despite being the only person seen entering and leaving my apartment, and having stolen some my possessions.
Date of Death: November 21, 2007

Brian McGlothin
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Cause of Death: I was 25 and dressed as a woman when I shot in the head with an automatic rifle by Antonio Williams who is serving a six year sentence after pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter.
Date of Death: December 23, 2007

Gabriela Alejandra Albornoz
Location: Santiago, Chile
Cause of Death: I was attacked and stabbed. Police suspect a group of neo-Nazis were responsible.
Date of Death: December 28, 2007

Patrick Murphy
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Cause of Death: I was a drag performer and icon in the local LGBT communities. I was 39 when I was shot several times in the head and found dressed in women’s clothes.
Date of Death: January 8, 2008

Stacy Brown
Location: Baltimore, MD
Cause of Death: I was 30 when I was shot in the head
Date of Death: January 8, 2008

Adolphus Simmons
Location: Charleston, SC
Cause of Death: I was 18 when I was shot to death
Date of Death: January 21, 2008

Fedra
Location: Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
Cause of Death: I was a “known transvestite” in my 20s when I found lying in an alley in a pool of blood, my cause of death was not reported.
Date of Death: January 22, 2008

Ashley Sweeney
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Cause of Death: I was shot in the back of the head and dumped on a vacant lot. In a press release I was described only as a young transgender woman.
Date of Death: February 4, 2008

Sanesha (Talib) Stewart
Location: Bronx, NY
Cause of Death: I was 25 when stabbed to death. In reporting my murder, the New Yorker Daily News referred to me using masculine pronouns under the headline: “Fooled john stabbed Bronx tranny” — despite any actual evidence that I was a sex worker and denials from my neighbors that I engaged it.
Date of Death: February 10, 2008

Lawrence King
Location: Oxnard, California
Cause of Death: I was 15 when shot twice in the back of the head by a classmate because I liked to wear girl’s shoes and clothes, called myself Leticia at times, and had a crush on him.
Date of Death: February 12, 2008

Cameron McWillams
Location: Doncaster, England
Cause of Death: I was 10 when I hung myself after telling my mother that I wanted to be a girl. I had been bullied in school after having been caught wearing girl’s clothing.
Date of Death: February 18, 2008

Note: 11-year-old Cameron MacDonald died that same month in what police described as a copy-cat suicide. There was no indication of whether MacDonald was LGBT.

Simmie “Chris/Beyonce” Williams Jr.
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Cause of Death: I was 17 when I shot to death and found wearing women’s clothing.
Date of Death: February 22, 2008

Luna (no last name reported)
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Cause of Death: I was brutally beaten to death and tossed into a dumpster.
Date of Death: March 15, 2008

Karrie Bone
Location: Prince George, British Columbia, Canada
Cause of Disappearance: I was a 36-year-old sex worker who got into a semi-trailer and was never seen again.
Date of Disappearance: March, 2008

Lloyd Nixon
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Cause of Death: I was 45 when I was beaten to death with a brick while dressed as a woman.
Date of Death: April 16, 2008

Felicia Melton-Smyth
Location: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Cause of Death: I was an HIV activist on vacation from Wisconsin when I was brutally stabbed to death by Francisco Javier Hollos, who claimed he killed me because I would not pay for sex.
Date of Death: May 26, 2008

Silvana (Valjdet) Berisha
Location: Hamburg, Germany
Cause of Death: I was 19 when I was stabbed to death in my home.
Date of Death: June 24, 2008

Ebony (Rodney) Whitaker
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death: I was 20 when I was shot to death while wearing women’s clothing.
Date of Death:July 1, 2008

Rosa Pazos
Location: Sevilla, Spain
Cause of Death: I was found in her apartment, stabbed in the throat. In the months before my death, I had demonstrated daily outside the local courthouse protesting the “police mafia” in the city.
Date of Death: July 11, 2008

Juan Carlos Aucalle Coronel
Location: Lombardi, Italy
Cause of Death I was 35 when I was severely beaten causing fractures to my head and face before being run over by a car.
Date of Death July 14, 2008

Angie Zapata
Location: Greeley, Colorado
Cause of Death: I was 18 when I was found in her home with my head beaten in with a fire extinguisher. Alan Ray Andrade, who told his girlfriend that “I killed it” and that “gay things need die” has been charged in my murder. His defense attorney argued that Andrade was provoked by discovering Zapata was biologically male and because Zapata smiled at him.
Date of Death: July 17, 2008

Jaylynn L. Namauu
Location: Makiki Honolulu, Hawaii
Cause of Death: I was 35 when I was stabbed to death
Date of Death: July 17, 2008

Samantha Rangel Brandau
Location: Milan, Italy
Cause of Death: I was 30 when I was beaten, gang raped and stabbed numerous times before being left for dead.
Date of Death: July 29, 2008

Nakhia (Nikki) Williams
Location: Louisville, Kentucky
Cause of Death: I was 29 when I was shot and left by a dumpster next to my home. Newspaper accounts used masculine pronouns to refer to me, even though I had been living as a woman.
Date of Death: August 20, 2008

Ruby Molina
Location: Sacramento, California
Cause of Death: I was 22 when my naked body was found floating in the America River. Police say my drowning occured under “definitely suspicious” circumstances. Newspaper accounts used masculine pronouns to refer to me.
Date of Death: September 21, 2008

Krissy “Lil’ Romeo” Pye
Location: Browns Plain, Australia
Cause of Death: I was a 25-year-old popular drag king when I was stabbed multiple times during a robbery.
Date of Death: August 24, 2008

Aimee Wilcoxson
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Cause of Death: Undetermined (police have yet to reveal cause)
Date of Death: November 3, 2008
Aimee was found dead in her bed. She was 34 years old.

Duanna Johnson
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death: I was 42 when I was shot “execution style” and found dead in the middle of the street. At the time I was suing the Memphis police department for a videotaped incident in which I was beaten while in police custody. I had been living in a house without water or power after they had been shut off because I was unable to pay the bills.
Date of Death: November 9, 2008

Dilek Ince
Location: Ankara, Turkey
Cause of Death: I was shot in the back of the head with a shotgun. I had testified against the suspects who were accused of a series of attacks against transvestites and transsexuals living in Eryaman neighborhood of Ankara, forcing them to flee the area. These suspects were subsequently set free by the court a few weeks before my death.
Date of Death: November 11, 2008

Teish (Moses) Cannon
Location: Syracuse, New York
Cause of Death: I was 22 when I was shot point blank with a rifle while sitting in a car with my brother, who was wounded. Police accuse my murder of getting the gun after “making profane and vulgar comments in regard to the sexual preference of the two victims.” News accounts initially described me as a gay man, my family telling them that I lived as a woman.
Date of Death: November 14, 2008

Ali
Location:Iraq
Cause of Death: After an interrogation, which police recorded on their cell phones for their amusement, I was executed for living as a woman. I had been living in a safe house after receiving death threats.
Date of Death: 2008, Month is Unknown

2 other Iraqi trans woman, names unknown
Location:Iraq
Cause of Death: We were executed at the same time as Ali. Seven gay men were also executed.
Date of Death: 2008, Month is Unknown

Also worth noting… On August 18, 2008 a Philadelphia judge acquitted Terron Oates of murdering of Alexis King and instead convicted him of voluntary manslaughter, apparently accepting his “trans panic” defense, i.e. he was provoked by discovering that King was biologically male (even though the area he picked up King was a known district for transsexual prostitutes). Oates defense attorney argued that King was shot while fighting Oates for his gun — even though she was shot in the back and side. The lesser charge meant Oates could be release after only 30 days because of credit for time served. Also, in Yuma, AZ the killer of Amancio Morales plea bargained down an attempted manslaughter charge. Morales, was a 23-year-old female impersonator, who was dressed in as a women when he was killed by what police called “violent trauma” from numerous stab wounds and was found floating in the river. Court records said Morales killer became enraged when he realized the Morales was biologically male.

Also, a number trans people were attacked in apparent hate crimes, including: an unnamed “man dressed as a woman” in Miami was the victim of a drive-by shooting on Sept. 29. He survive the attack; in Sacramento on May 27, a man described by police as a skinhead attacked two transgender homeless people, stabbing one of them.

Finally, while this is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us also remember our LGB brothers and sisters who have been beaten and killed during the past year. This includes 37-year-old Randolph Hunter who was brutally beaten to death in Washington D.C. and several others. (My apologies for not having a complete list of LGB victims.)

In early 2007, Los Angeles Times sports columnist Mike Penner was one of two high-profile transitioners to hit the new. Unlike former Largo city manager Susan Stanton, who was run out of town, Penner’s story had a happy ending. The Times stood behind Penner, who rechristened herself Christine Daniels, even giving her a blog to chronicle her transition. While I’m sure neither Stanton nor Daniels wanted to be poster children for the transsexual communities, they nonetheless became ones.

Now comes news that Penner has de-transitioned and quietly returned to work as Mike. The blogs by Daniels have all been removed from the Times’ website.

The news has been a bit of a shock to the transgender communities, even if Penner is far from the first person to de-transition. It’s left me feeling a variety of things — mostly sorrow. I’m sorrowful that I’m sure Penner’s de-transition will be misused by Christianist fundies to argue in favor of discriminating against trans people. But mostly I’m sad for Penner. In interviews and her blog posts, Daniels seemed so happy and full of hope — maybe a little naively — about her future. Whatever has transpired over the past 18 months, Penner must have become pretty miserable to have reached the point of deciding to go back, and even if he has no regrets about doing so, I’m sure he’s still hurting at the moment.

If deciding to transition is one of the hardest decisions someone makes in their life, deciding to de-transition is arguably even harder. But the point of “real life experience” as it’s known is precisely to find out whether living as a different gender is something you want to to do for the rest of your life. Sometimes you only figure things out by trying them. People make life-altering decisions in all sorts of ways. People get married, get divorced, take jobs and quit them, they move cross-country. Sometimes it’s a bad decision, sometimes it’s a bad decision that others can see but the person involved can’t, sometimes it’s what seemed like a good idea at the time, sometimes it’s was a good decision that had unexpected consequences.

Why do people de-transition? Sometimes male-to-female transitioners can have unrealistic expectations about what life is going to be like as a woman, the sexism they have to live with — in addition to the homophobia they can also encounter if their attraction to women means they go from being seen as straight men to being seen as lesbians. Needless to say the sports world probably wasn’t friendliest place for a MTF transitioner. Sometimes trans men discovered that while becoming men bring privilege it also brings burdens they’d never imagined. Likewise, they can under-estimate the hostility they encounter from some lesbians who angrily denounce them for switching teams. Likewise, sometimes people get stuck in being seen as trans woman not women (or trans men, not men). All of which can be too painful to handle. After all the point of transitioning is usually to make life easier, not more difficult.

Some do so because they can’t find jobs as their desired gender, especially if there are children involved. Presumably that wasn’t an issue in Penner’s case, so I’m guessing he had other reasons for doing so. While I don’t know Penner’s reasons, I know friends of Penner who assure me that it was a exceedingly painful decision he made with a lot of thought and counseling.

It’s possible Penner still sees himself as transsexual, but decided other things in his life — such as a relationship — were more important than transitioning. I know people who transitioned at a glacial pace, or who de-transitioned because of this.

It’s possible Penner realized that he’s a crossdresser, not a transsexual, and living as a woman part-time satisfies his needs. Part of the problem is that it’s so difficult to explore gender. Crossdressers easily outnumber transsexuals 10:1, but the vast majority are so incredibly closeted they’re the “dark matter” of the trans spectrum. For most crossdressers, life is akin to being gay or lesbian pre-Stonewall. I was exceedingly lucky that 1) I never felt guilty and shameful about my crossdressing like so many of my peers are; and 2) that when the need to express that side of myself that society deems “feminine” came on stronger than ever before in my late 30s — like it does for so many others — I was single, living alone and mostly working out of the house. Which meant I could more-or-less spend as much time en femme as I wanted to. For me, I discovered that after a certain amount of time en femme I hit a saturation point, and I’m happy to go back to being a guy. A friend of mine who firmly believed she was also “just a crossdresser” was in similar circumstances and ended up transitioning after realizing that she was essentially living full-time as a woman outside of work.

I hope one lesson people would learn from this is that it’s OK to experiment with your gender; that it’s OK to be uncertain about your gender; that being convinced you aren’t gender A, doesn’t inherently mean the only alternative is to become gender B. Because sadly, even within the trans communities, there’s not always a lot of space between.

Crossdressers and other non-transitioners are all-too-often on the receiving end of the same sort of disrespect from transsexuals that bisexuals get from gays and lesbians. We’re afraid to commit. We don’t have the courage to come out. We’re the little sisters tagging along and embarrassing them in front of all their friends. Etc. Etc. Announce that you’re planning to transition and there’ll usually be a round of “You go girl!” You rarely hear similar cheering when someone says that they’ve thought it through and figured out that they’re “just a crossdresser.” Likewise, I’ve heard comments that “oh, she must just not be ready,” or that “she just needs more time.” Which leaves me livid. Because it presumes to know more about Penner’s gender identity than he does, in the same way that some sports fan snarked about Daniels being a “man in dress.” In the same way some transsexuals presume to know where I am on the gender spectrum. Sadly it’s the people who’ve made the biggest messes of their own lives who seem the most determined to have their own choices validated in the lives of others, and who are the most vocal in encouraging others to follow blindly in their footsteps.

Which is precisely why I think that regardless of Penner’s reasons we should salute him for the courage to make the hard — and I suspect humiliating — decision to change course after he decided transitioning didn’t make sense for him. It’s his life after all. Because question really isn’t about whether one should transition or not — the question to ask oneself is: what kind of life (one the addresses my transness) do I want, and who will be part of it?

A poll today shows that Proposition 8 — which would repeal California’s marriage equality — is now leading. Not coincidentally there’s been tens of millions of dollars sent from out-of-state by the pro-bigotry Christianist forces.

Don’t let Prop 8 pass! Donate now to No on Prop 8. If you want to be idealistic, do so because it’s the right thing to do. If for no other reason than self-interest, do so — because you can be sure that if the fundies are successful in turning back marriage equality, it won’t be the last anti-discrimination protections they’ll try to take away.

Just wanted to remind people that time is running out to get tickets to the River City Sparkle in Sacramento on Oct. 18. Order your tickets by Oct. 14, since tickets at the door will be limited. Tickets are $42.50 in advance, $50.00 at the door. ($37.50 in advance, $45.00 at the door for members of the River City Gems.)

It’s going to be a lavish evening of dinner, music, dancing, and entertainment for the whole transgender community. Crossdressers, trans people, transsexuals, male-to-females, females-to-males, family, friends, and allies — everyone is welcome, so don’t miss this opportunity to dress in your finest attire and party the night away!

The National Stonewall Democrats have a page for trans people and allies to donate to Barack Obama’s campaign. This is a great opportunity to raise our visibility. So if you’re trans, or a trans ally, and are would like to see the Democrats retake the White House, why not donate to Obama’s campaign through the site today (whether it’s a little or a lot). Then tell your friends and ask them to do the same, as well as spread the word on your blog or message boards that you post to. Let’s see if we can move up a few notches on ActBlue’s list of top online donors.

‘Nuff said…

Take that, old wrinkly white-haired dude…

Never thought I’d say it, but: well done Paris!