A Dahl's House

The good news is that a would-be novelist joined one of the online forums I belong to in order to do researching on cross-dressing for a novel where the protagonist happens to be a crossdresser — someone who was fired when he was outed, but who has the huevos to stay in town and carry on with his life.

The writer, call him Philip, was open about his intentions, when it would have been really easy to fake a profile and present himself as a newbie. He doesn’t make crossdressing the centerpiece, rather just an interesting aspect of the protagonist (the focus will be on the character’s professional life, and he just happens to cross-dress). Philip had a few misperceptions, which we corrected, and seems genuinely interested and respectful. In fact, he said he’s rewriting some things in light what he now understands.

We did let him know that a crossdresser who’s out like that is pretty atypical (although Lacey Leigh was recently outted by a business rival and received quite respectfully a conference for her industry, where were her guy self was well known). But I’d rather have an unrealistically open and well-adjusted crossdresser than the unrealistic media protrayals we usually see.

Unfortunately a few members of the forum freaked out at having a non-crossdresser/significant other visitor and made some rather immature and prejudiced comments to Philip, insinuating he was a pervy voyeur, which prompted Philip to leave despite the forum owner making it clear he’d been admitted with her blessing and support. Sigh…

He does plan on keeping in touch with those of us who are interested, and even offered to let us read his drafts to see if we have suggestions. I’ve got no idea is he’s any good as a writer, or whether the novel will ever see the light of day, but one can hope.

It just pisses me off that some of the people who bitch and moan the most about how we aren’t accepted in general public were the same ones who drove this guy away. If they can’t handle posting on an anonmyous forum because there was an invited guest there doing research, God help them find the door knob to the closet and face the public at-large.

I ran across an article that argues crossdressers typically share the following traits:

• Intelligence
• Creating and making things
• Intellectual Curiosity and Eclecticism
• Collectors/Hobbyists/Tinkerers
• Perfectionism
• Enjoy flights of fancy
• Loners

which the author, a crossdresser herself, argues typically has made crossdressers feel “different” from others and a bit of an outsider even before they put on the dress. (The bullet list doesn’t do justice to the author’s points about these traits.)

For me it was freakily accurate on most counts. Just out of curiousity, I posted it as a poll on Crossdressers.com asking others how well it described them as got the following a result:

• Describes me very well – 64 votes – 62.14%
• Generally describes me, but some parts don’t – 28 votes – 27.18%
• Some describe me, some don’t – 9 votes – 8.74%
• Generally doesn’t describe me, but some parts don’t – 1 vote – 0.97%
• Doesn’t describe me very well – 1 vote – 0.97%

But what was even more interesting where the “oh my god, that’s me” reactions from many folks. A FTM was intrigued enough that he posted in it in the FTM section and got a similar distribution, although only about half dozen of the guys responded.

As far as the loner bit, I suspect that may vary depending on how introverted/extroverted you are. (Introverts recharge by being alone, extroverts recharge by interacting with people.) So if you’re really extrovert, you’ve got a need to be around others — although I suppose it’s possible to simultaneously have loner characteristics, such as having lots of friends, but few really close ones.

Obviously, both the writer and the people taking the poll represent a skewed population just by being on the Internet, but it’s still quite interesting that so many people thought it described them.

I finally hit on a good way of describing at least part of the feeling I get when dressed.

It’s like the make-over show “What Not to Wear” in episodes where the fashion victim is someone who looks schlumpy and drab and generally like they’ve just given up on their appearence. Afterwards, aside from looking stylish, they generally look much happier and self-confident. A number actually comment on the fact that something seemingly as superficial as a make-over really did result in a major attitude change.

For me it’s a similar feeling–and probably especially so for those who unfortunately are really drab en drab. It was especially dramatic when I had my first professional make-over–I literally had a hard time thinking the person in the mirror was me. The best way I can describe my feelings at that moment are the lyrics from West Side Story’s “I Feel Pretty.” I did feel pretty and witty and bright.

Thinking about going to the cosmetics counter for a free makeover but not sure how much product to buy (since the sales people are on commission)? I asked a couple women for advice. Bottom-line if you just test a single sample you’re not expected to buy anything, but if they spent a significant amount of time
working on you, it’s good form to buy a product or two–as long as you’re happy with the products they used. (Elsewhere I heard a good rule of thumb is to spent about $1 for every minute they work on you.)

Also, a number of companies require a minimum purchase for a full makeover, so it’s a good idea to ask ahead of time.

I wanted to share a wonderful day I had Friday shopping en femme. I had a day where work was going to be slow, so I decided to play hooky — the nice thing about being your own boss. Got dressed in a nice chocolate-colored beaded top with three-quarter length sleeves, striped brown pants (yes pants, the better to blend in) and boots. Slapped on some nice bronze-pink polish at the last moment. Up close it looked messy, but a distance it was probably OK. I was also giving
my new Veronica 2 her first road test. I’ve decided Espy must like big butts (but it was fine after sending it back for some reshaping) and it does balance my broad shoulders nicely.

Was ready to go out when I noticed someone painting the house across the street. Argh! Since my neighbor may have seen me en femme last weekend I didn’t want to get spotted again. Could explain one time, but more than once is tough. Fortunately, it turned out to be a workman, so it didn’t matter. But I timed my sprint out to the car nicely and he didn’t see me.

Drove up to San Francisco and pulled into a parking garage near the MAC on Union Street. The parking lot attendant didn’t seem to bat an eye (just like others previously). I guess they’ve seen it all. Walked over to the MAC and got read a few times (mostly by women), but it was no big deal – mostly a flicker of their eyes. When I got to MAC I was the only customer there. The make-up artist didn’t bat an eye and sat me down for a make-over.

While she was working on me, I asked if she’d done any other cross-dressers, she been working for MAC so done several, but it turns out they were all gay. She seemed quite surprised when I let her know cross-dressers are typically hetro, so I took the opportunity to do a bit more education about cross-dressing. Ironically enough, she mentioned that she’d once made over her boyfriend, who looked in the mirror, freaked out and made her swear never to tell anyone. Hmm. Methinks he liked it and couldn’t deal with it.

While we were chatting, I mentioned that we cross-dressers didn’t have the benefit of the years of practice that GGs said and she replied that I’d be surprised how many women don’t have a clue about make-up. In trying to explain things to her, I mentioned that dressing is sort of akin to GGs getting dressed up for a special occasion, and that I’m sure I’d probably get tired of having to do make-up if I had to do it everyday. The make-up artist grinned and said on her days off, she’s
so sick of make-up, she rarely wears any.

While the make-up artist was off getting something, I complimented another one of the artists on her flamboyantly red hair. She was a bit of character – had a number of tattoos. The makeover was awesome. I don’t know that I looked like true women (especially at 6-feet in boots), but I definitely looked plausible. As I was paying, the second make-up artist came up and introduced herself and wanted to know when I was coming back. I’d forgotten to take photos, so I asked her if she’d do
it. She took one, then realized the flash would throw things off, so we went across the street out into the sun. Really sweet.

Thought about going to Macys, but it was really nice out and I was hungry, so I headed over to Pier 39, since I knew that with all the tourists I wouldn’t be conspicuous having a late lunch. Walked around first, with sunglasses on, I was rarely read. Ended up getting a sandwich at Boudin’s. The guy at the counter clearly read me (with sunglasses off), but tried hard to act cool. While I was eating, a pair of teenage girls sat down at the table next to me. They couldn’t stop sneaking peeks at me, until I caught their eyes and smiled back with that “I know that you know” smile. After that one of the girls
was getting something out of her bag and commented about it – probably because she was facing me directly. I replied back that it always seemed like the thing you’re looking for is at the bottom. As I was bussing my tray, I saw the camera flash go off behind me. Not sure if they were taking pictures of each other or whether I’ll end up in someone’s travel album.

Walked back to the garage and got back in the car to go to Macys. As I was paying to exit, the little old lady in the body got briefly wide-eyed and then smiled. Got over to Union Square and went into Macys. Just ahead of me on the escalator was a very butch lesbian, who as it turned out was also headed to the women’s department. (We didn’t speak, but I ended up following her.) I didn’t seem to elicit much of a reaction from the various GGs shopping there, mostly middle-aged
women. Don’t know if I passed, or if they just didn’t care, since I looked nicely put togethe.  A salesclerk helping another customer backed into me, and said “Excuse me, ma’am.” Don’t know if she was just being polite, but it was nice
to get “ma’am”ed. I was looking at a wonderful black knit top with three-quarter shelves and band of abalone sequins sewn along the V-neck when another rather chatty salesclerk came up to me and introduced herself. She asked if I wanted to try it one, so she set me up with a with fitting room (so that I could browse and come back with other items.) The other women going in and out didn’t seem to react.

Did some more browsing and spotted an aubergine top with sequins around the neckline. A woman next to me commented that it was a really pretty color. I asked her whether she thought it worked with my skin-tone, and she thought it did, so I ended up getting that too. As I was checking out, the salesclerk was quite chatting, wanting to know how one of the tops fit (since she was thinking about getting it herself) and lamenting how she’d just pigged out on some chocolate cake last night to console herself over putting on some pounds. I expressed my sympathy and mentioned how I was trying to take off some pounds myself. It was the sort of easy conversation I’ve always envied among women. If she hadn’t figured out earlier, in our conversation I’m sure she realized I was drag, but didn’t bat an eye and treated my like a lady.

Walked around the department store for a bit and ended up going out through the cosmetics area on the ground floor. A lot of the counter girls smiled and said hi. One asked if I was having a wonderful day, I said I was. I’m sure they all read me, but they were very sweet all the same.

By this time a I was a dragging a bit (sorry…), so I went to the café one Union Square. Again, I was treated graciously by the counterman and the barista. While I was waiting for my espresso, the owner came over and introduced himself, saying he hadn’t seen me before and wanted to know if I worked nearby.

Next headed over to Lane Bryant. It was over in the Mission and a bit smaller than the ones in my local malls, so I was a little disappointed by the selection — lots of polyester, which I’m trying to avoid. But I did find a cute black top with beading, which will be nice for clubbing. The clerks and the other women were really nice and I chatted with several of them. Again, it was that easy conversation that I’ve always envied. It wasn’t any deeper than a bunch of guys
talking about sports, but it was nice not to have that kind of sizing each other up that guys typically do when they first meet. (Maybe women do it too, but if so I wasn’t picking up on it.)

After that it was time to head home and watch the Cal game on ESPN. I knew I’d get hungry and didn’t want to take off my make-up to grab something to eat when I got back, so I walked over to a Jamba Juice to get a smoothie. And hallelujah, they had the restroom I’d needed for awhile. (Unfortunately, neither Pier 39 nor Macys had a single-stall
“family bathroom” and I wasn’t quite brave enough to the regular women’s room. (Given the number of tourists, I figured the odds were a lot higher one of the GGs might take offence.) Neither of the two girls working the counter seemed to bat an eye.
It was twilight when I got home and the street was empty, so pulled up into the driveway and quickly got into the house. (I gave my thanks again for the front hedge that screens most of the front yard and the front porch.) Turned on the TV and spend the rest of the evening cheering my team on en femme. Now where’s that cheerleader outfit when I need it?

As far as understanding, you might try this thought experiment. Imagine that for whatever reason, you forced to live as a macho guy and could never reveal your identity as a woman. (I know this sounds a bit more what it may feel like to be a transsexual but bear with me.) You may not be a girly-girl, but I imagine there’s “feminine” things that you’d miss, things that you might take for granted now.

Obviously having to do your make-up and wear hose every day isn’t necessarily fun — and I dare say many of us would tire of it if we had to actually do it — but since most of us only get to dress occasionally, it’s more like when you may get glammed up for a special
occasion.

There’s a lot of other motivations for crossdressing, but the opportunity to look pretty and feel sexy I think is a pretty common one, especially for older crossdressers who grew up in an era where male beauty wasn’t openly valued (and “pretty boy” was/still is an insult). And women do have certain advantages here. I may or may not look more attractive en femme — I’ll leave that to others to decide — but I’m certainly prettier since make-up by definition enhances your features and minimizes your flaws.

Conversely, you might try this thought experiment — what if you could get away from your routine and pose as a man for a day. Or probably more accurately, a young guy who just wants to have fun and doesn’t have to worry about paying the mortgage or feeding the kids. I don’t know if there’s any drag kings in your area, but you might try it sometime just for fun (or just go catch a show). The ones I’ve seen offer the same kind of interesting mirror to ideas about masculinity that I’m sure crossdressers must be to women.

I think the “no sex please, we’re transgendered” stance that both the “respectable” transsexual and crossdresser communities have adopted have ended up doing a bit of a disservice. I don’t think significant others completely buy it–particularly when they run across what someone in one my online groups called the “dark side” sites.

Better to acknowledge that for most of us crossdressing in teenage years did contain a sexual component for a variety of reasons. For most of us here, that part has become less important than other motivations, but I for one would be lying if I said they were gone completely. If I want to feel sexy, it’s nice to look sexy and I know women who put on Victoria’s Secrets for the same reason. Unfortunately, men’s lingerie usually isn’t as sexy and often seems a bit goofy (elephant g-string anyone?).

I agree some of the “dark side” sites can be quite embarassing–but in part because we recognize some of the same impulses in ourselves. I think many of us crossdress in part because a desire to look good and feel sexy in a way that we feel we can’t en homme. But just as with women, that can easily slide over into exhibitionism and looking/acting a like a slut. Many of us feel guilt and shame over our dressing and that can slide over into wanting to be punished and degraded, etc.

Part of the appeal on the Internet is to act out one’s wildest fantasies anonymously, and I think of lot of what shows up on the “dark side” sides has far less to do with crossdressers’ views of women than
the things they’ve been repressing inside themselves. And of course, there’s those who are using the Internet to sleep around, which is wholy incompatible with being in a commited relationship.

As far as Deut. 22:5, I’m agnostic but if you’re Christian my understanding is that the New Testament supercedes Deuteronomy, which contains numerous laws that are no longer followed (even by the most traditional Jews). I doubt those who practice selective literatism
from the pulpit have followed all — or even most of the laws of Deuteronomy, so they should judge not lest they be judged.

If you’re Jewish, there’s considerable rabbical debate about the actual intention of Deut. 22:5, which is much more ambigious in the original Hebrew than in English transition. The most widely accepted interpretation is that it was to prevent men and women from
associating with what would normally be a single-sex group of the other gender under false pretenses for purposes of, or circumstances that are liable to lead to, heterosexual adultery. I might also point out cross-dressing is widely practiced during Purim so it can’t be a complete abomination. In fact, the standard law text for most of the traditionally observant Jewish people states that it’s acceptable during Purim because it’s for the purpose of gaity, not for adultery.

As far as why I never felt hugely guilty, I’m not sure.

Probably because I was one of the “geeks and freaks.” So very early I probably realized it was in part an escape. If you really want to be someone else, changing gender definitely helps. Plus, I could be the desirable, attractive person I didn’t feel like in real life. It’s also probably because when I was in college I went through some open questioning about men’s gender roles. Didn’t really talk to anyone about it, but went through a bunch of the men’s lib and feminist literature.

But that didn’t really resonant with me — a lot of seemed to buy into the idea that men were imperfect women. I didn’t think there was something wrong with being tough and competitive in appropriate situations, I just wanted the freedom to also be pretty, nuturing, etc. as well. The other thing that turned me off was that like some feminist literature, a lot seemed to be written by very damaged individuals who assume their personal traumas were something that were routinely inflicted on the population at large.

So I guess I ended up realizing my dressing was in part due to my discomfort over these sorts of issues although it still wasn’t something I wanted to share with the neighbors.

Just by being here, you’re already more accepting than you know. I don’t know if your SO had plans to disclose his dressing to you, but you found out about in the worse possible way. And you’ve discovered one reason crossdressers don’t tell their SOs — that by coming out to them, we either put them into a closet or have them face the same prejudices that we face. (BTW, I’m not saying it’s right to hide it, just that we often want to “protect” our SOs.)

For what it’s worth, crossdressing is quite common, about 5%-10% of men do it on a regular basis, and many more have experimented with it at some time or another.

It’s important to remember that his dressing has nothing to do with you — don’t worry that you’re not “not enough of a woman” for him, etc. It’s something he’s probably done since childhood and will continue doing for the rest of his life whether or not you’re with
him. The fact that he was willing to purge has everything to do with you — his love and devotion to you and he desire not to lose you.

Unfortunately, as you’ve discovered society has a lot preconceptions about crossdressing, which are almost entirely wrong. The vast majority of crossdressers are straight. Researchers have clearly established that sexuality and gender role identity are two
distinct things.

The reasons why we dress are many and varied, and are different from individual to individual. But there’s a couple main reasons. One is we like to look pretty and feel sexy in a way that’s allowed for women, but not really allowed for men. Another is to express a side of ourselves that society as deemed “feminine” (this is probably especially true of guys who are macho or Spock-like en homme, as many crossdressers seem to be). And it also can be an escape, both from the everyday pressure of life and the specific pressures of having to prove your manhood on a daily basis. (It’s pretty well documented that stress is
a common trigger for dressing.) In that sense dressing isn’t that different than putting on a Starfleet uniform for the chance to be someone else for awhile. But like any “grass is greener” envy, crossdressers don’t necessarily have an accurate view of what a woman’s life is really like. Often the way we dress and act probably has more to do with what we’re repressing than our actual view of women.

Because sexism is still all too present in our culture, it’s acceptable for women to act “masculine” (up to a point, of course), while men who want to emulate women are traitors to our gender for giving up the “male priviledge.” That makes a lot of people — male
and female — uncomfortable. And crossdressing also causes people confront their own stereotypes about what’s appropriate behavior — as well as the unconscious discomfort they may have with gender roles. All of these may be reasons why your friends think you’re strange to stay with your fiance. The irony of course is that many crossdressers while en femme display exactly the sort of sensitive qualities women keep saying they
want in a man.

I can understand how you feel isolated. Believe me, we understand. It’s possible with more education your friends may become more understanding. It’s possible, they may not. Probably a lot depends on their background and how rigidly they view gender roles. The good news is that there are good online communities where we crossdressers can listen and try to explain things from our perspective. There are also a number of SOs in various online forums — some accepting, some struggling with acceptance — who can do
the same. One them wrote a useful article about the “acceptance pendulum” many SOs go
through.

I know you’re struggling with this, but your SO is lucky to have someone as loving and accepting as you.