Just by being here, you’re already more accepting than you know. I don’t know if your SO had plans to disclose his dressing to you, but you found out about in the worse possible way. And you’ve discovered one reason crossdressers don’t tell their SOs—that by coming out to them, we either put them into a closet or have them face the same prejudices that we face. (BTW, I’m not saying it’s right to hide it, just that we often want to “protect” our SOs.)
For what it’s worth, crossdressing is quite common, about 5%-10% of men do it on a regular basis, and many more have experimented with it at some time or another.
It’s important to remember that his dressing has nothing to do with you—don’t worry that you’re not “not enough of a woman” for him, etc. It’s something he’s probably done since childhood and will continue doing for the rest of his life whether or not you’re with
him. The fact that he was willing to purge has everything to do with you—his love and devotion to you and he desire not to lose you.
Unfortunately, as you’ve discovered society has a lot preconceptions about crossdressing, which are almost entirely wrong. The vast majority of crossdressers are straight. Researchers have clearly established that sexuality and gender role identity are two
distinct things.
The reasons why we dress are many and varied, and are different from individual to individual. But there’s a couple main reasons. One is we like to look pretty and feel sexy in a way that’s allowed for women, but not really allowed for men. Another is to express a side of ourselves that society as deemed “feminine” (this is probably especially true of guys who are macho or Spock-like en homme, as many crossdressers seem to be). And it also can be an escape, both from the everyday pressure of life and the specific pressures of having to prove your manhood on a daily basis. (It’s pretty well documented that stress is
a common trigger for dressing.) In that sense dressing isn’t that different than putting on a Starfleet uniform for the chance to be someone else for awhile. But like any “grass is greener” envy, crossdressers don’t necessarily have an accurate view of what a woman’s life is really like. Often the way we dress and act probably has more to do with what we’re repressing than our actual view of women.
Because sexism is still all too present in our culture, it’s acceptable for women to act “masculine” (up to a point, of course), while men who want to emulate women are traitors to our gender for giving up the “male priviledge.” That makes a lot of people—male
and female—uncomfortable. And crossdressing also causes people confront their own stereotypes about what’s appropriate behavior—as well as the unconscious discomfort they may have with gender roles. All of these may be reasons why your friends think you’re strange to stay with your fiance. The irony of course is that many crossdressers while en femme display exactly the sort of sensitive qualities women keep saying they
want in a man.
I can understand how you feel isolated. Believe me, we understand. It’s possible with more education your friends may become more understanding. It’s possible, they may not. Probably a lot depends on their background and how rigidly they view gender roles. The good news is that there are good online communities where we crossdressers can listen and try to explain things from our perspective. There are also a number of SOs in various online forums—some accepting, some struggling with acceptance—who can do
the same. One them wrote a useful article about the “acceptance pendulum” many SOs go
through.
I know you’re struggling with this, but your SO is lucky to have someone as loving and accepting as you.
