As far as why I never felt hugely guilty, I’m not sure.
Probably because I was one of the “geeks and freaks.” So very early I probably realized it was in part an escape. If you really want to be someone else, changing gender definitely helps. Plus, I could be the desirable, attractive person I didn’t feel like in real life. It’s also probably because when I was in college I went through some open questioning about men’s gender roles. Didn’t really talk to anyone about it, but went through a bunch of the men’s lib and feminist literature.
But that didn’t really resonant with me—a lot of seemed to buy into the idea that men were imperfect women. I didn’t think there was something wrong with being tough and competitive in appropriate situations, I just wanted the freedom to also be pretty, nuturing, etc. as well. The other thing that turned me off was that like some feminist literature, a lot seemed to be written by very damaged individuals who assume their personal traumas were something that were routinely inflicted on the population at large.
So I guess I ended up realizing my dressing was in part due to my discomfort over these sorts of issues although it still wasn’t something I wanted to share with the neighbors.
