A Dahl's House

Why do we lie to hide our corssdressing? There’s a number of reasons…

First off many of us are in denial ourselves. We don’t want accept that this is part of ourselves and so we lie to ourselves about it. Unfortunately, I think a number of us get married in part hoping that this will “cure” us. So why disclose something that will go away. Of course things rarely work out that way…

We lie to our loved ones because we are terrified of what will happen when they find out. We may know in our hearts that inevitably they will, but we’d like to postpone that moment as long as possible. If we’ve been online, we know not all significant others are accepting. If we haven’t, our fears are probably even worse (since we haven’t learned there are accepting significant others).

We lie because even if we accept it ourselves, we realize it’s something society stigmatizes. So we may be engaged in a misguided attempt to “protect” our SOs, since often coming out to them puts them in a closet.

Another big factor is that while we may feel we have a feminine side, we were still raised as men and to stereotype broadly, men have a very different worldview than women do, it’s very hierachial. Women are raised to view sharing secrets as building intimacy. Men are raised to view sharing secrets as exposing weaknesses that will cause you to lose status in a dog-eat-dog world. Since these worldviews are so deeply ingrained, it’s often difficult for us to see them–much like fish don’t see the sea they swim in. So I think it’s often difficult for women to appreciate how hard it can be for men to open up, just as it’s often difficult for men to appreciate why opening up is so important to women.

None of this excuses lying of course, but hopefully it may explain it. Being in the closet sucks.

I’ve been having ah…discussions on one my mailing lists with one transsexual who annoying the hell out me because she refuses to accept that I’m happy being “just a crossdresser.” She was a late transitioner who was a crossdresser for years until she had her “transsexual breakdown” and could no longer deny it. She really regrets not transitioning sooner, so now she says she’s on a mission to help others break through their denial.

While she’s well-intentioned, she’s pissing me off because she doesn’t want to hear that I have pondered the issue at length and decided I’m happy where I am. I suspect she’s not
centered enough to see that others can take a different path. I suppose another factor is that it can be threatening that others that that different path. She tells me she was never happy as a man, and because our life stories are similiar I can see how that fact that I
am happy as a man could be threatening — I “succeeded” where she “failed.” A more balanced person would see the reality that she and I simply had different paths. Nothing more, nothing less.

It may be transsexuals like her feel such gender dysphoria that they genuinely just can’t seem to understand not everyone is as uncomfortable. Also, the “pushy” ones I’ve met often seem to be those who were in denial for a long time and assume because they were kidding themselves about “just being a cross-dresser” everyone else must be too. In part I wonder if it’s not to ward off any second thoughts they may be secretly feeling. In sense they can become zealots — mostly to themselves, but secondarily to those around them. Hence the attitude that crossdressers are just pretenders who lack the balls (ovaries?) to admit they’re really transsexual.

Most transexuals and full-time transgenderists I’ve met are respectful of the different paths, but there are those who can’t seem to grasp that others may be on different paths.

I suspect it’s for a couple reasons, first off they’re obviously making a huge, life-changing decisions and I think they want/need to cut themselves off from any male side to do so. Second, I think being a transman who still likes to sew, etc. implies the spectrum is
blurrier than they might like to think, and raises the possibility that there’s some choice in how one handles your transgender feelings. It’s similar to how gays and lesbians often deny the existence bisexuality just as much as straights do (bi’s being seen as just being homosexuals who don’t have the courage to come out). Being biologically-determined helps in a bid for respectably. After all one can’t help it. But acknowledging there’s a spectrum suddenly muddies things — both in terms of gaining society’s acceptance and for avoiding potential remorse over what’s a momentuous decision (whether it’s GRS or coming out as homosexual) that often involves huge sacrifices.I do know transsexuals for whom it was “GRS or suicide,” but I also know those who ended up postponing or foregoing GRS because other factors (such as love wife and family) took priority. And of course there’s all of us others along the spectrum. The urge may be biologically based, but how you deal with that urge isn’t.

The other aspect I see coming out of this is envy. Much as I hate the closet, as a crossdresser I can go back into it. Transsexuals don’t necessarily have that luxury (although a good number of them “disappear into the woodwork”) and I suspect some hate the fact that people like me do. Again, if you’re centered enough, you can realize that others’ fortune doesn’t come at the expense of your own, but it you’re not centered, it’s easy to lash out.

That said, I’m sure crossdressers do things to cause friction as well, but not being transsexual I can’t really speak to that. It’s just sad that some people can’t seem to accept their life experience isn’t necessarily the life experience of others.

I’m reading “My Husband Betty” and Helen Boyd makes an asute observation that cross-dressers often are envious of things women take for granted: “They envy the easy friendship between women, the casual way women touch each other when they talk. Imagine a man gently brushing another man’s hair out of his eyes while they’re chatting! But women do that kind of thing all the time, even ones who aren’t especially feminine.”

(The reverse is also true for women. I know many women who envy men’s freedom to move in safety–something I didn’t truly understand until going out en femme.)

Maybe this is one reason it’s difficult for women to understand why we do it. Partly, I think we’re not always able to clearly articulate some of these things precisely because they’re so taken for granted. Partly, it’s when we do, women have a hard time seeing why these sorts of things might be special to us–I’ve often heard women express puzzlement about our attraction to make-up. Of course, there’s also a big difference wanting to do something–like wearing skirts or make-up–and feeling obligated to do it.

Thoughts? What things taken for granted by the opposite gender do you envy?

Ah the wonders of search engines… I was looking for something else and ran across one of the best, and most sympathetic and insightful, articles I’ve seen crossdressing in the mainstream media. It was written by a reporter for a gay magazine who went out en femme with a local crossdressers group. (A PDF version of the article shows the photos as well, but it’s a 3.8MB file–the story starts page 12.) (more…)