A Dahl’s House

My friend Marla, a female-at-birth, has written another really insightful essay on the common ground between crossdressers (and others on the transgender spectrum) and woman—our insecurities about trying to meet an obtainable standard for beauty.

As an Existentialist, I was intrigued by this essay, which looks at how it applies to crossdressing (and other folks along the transgender spectrum). The PowerPoint version is this:

• Each person has free-will. One cannot always choose one’s circumstances, but one can always choose one’s response.


• Our existence and our choices in this existence are vitally important.


• Each person has the ultimate responsibility for their life. Our world is only what we make of it.


• Our minds constantly seek to escape the profundity of our existence, the necessity of self-determination, and our personal resonsibility. We must be ever mindful of the tendency to self-delusion.


• For some, a change of gender may be the authentic choice; for others, it may be a form of escape. “Dark side” behavior is one example of escapism. But so too, many of the secondary emotional problems associated with crossdressing—things like attitudes of victimization, powerlessness, despair, hostility, and nihilism that are common in the transgendered community—merely justify a retreat into a private reality and avoidance of the challenges of full participation in the world


• Self knowledge is vital. Our choices should not be made out of ignorance, fear or unmitigated selfishness.


• While our situation is “absurd,” we can choose whether we respond to the absuridity in a positive or a negative way.

The two points are really the most important.

I know people who hate themselves every day and wallow in their misery. A small amount of self-hatred is recommended when you’re in danger of feeling good about yourself, or when there’s a possibility of being happy. Self-hatred can be used to dwell on every niggling question rather than seeing the big picture. Self-hatred can keep you from forming bonds with others, and from preventing relationships. Self-hatred can be great in preventing you from making changes in your life that might actually make you enjoy life.

I don’t have a wife or kids, but I have heard this question discussed a number of time before, so take my thoughts for what they’re worth. From those discussions, there’s pros and cons to telling a child any age—and the pros and cons are often age-specific.

First off it’s worth taking a look at your motivation for wanting to tell your children. Is it something they needs to know now, or can it wait a bit?

One potential downside until waiting until children are 18, is that they sometimes are resentful that you kept a secret from them. So some parents do opt to tell their children around adolescence, since they can say they were waiting for the child to be old enough to understand—just like other “adult” things they may start discussing at that age. They can also rationalize that children are also mature enough at the age to be discrete, if that’s an issue.

But of course it depends on the individual child and your situation.

Clearly the commercial was joking that high phone bills are more traumatic than other stupid things teenagers do—like driving through the garage.

But the joke cuts both ways. T-Mobile wouldn’t have joked around with something truly “serious”—imagine the kid had been caught smoking dope rather than apply lipstick. And they didn’t have to put the kid in a dress for the final scene where personally, I took Catherine Zeta-Jones “nice dress” as more of a social acknowledgement kind of comment—the sort of thing one woman might say to another when meeting for the first time.

I’m sure some folks will interpret as a put-down, but I suspect others will notice (consciously or not) that she just takes in stride. Of course, the general public will probably assume the kid is a drag queen in training, rather than a cross-dresser, but you can’t have everything….