It’s funny, since I’ve been fully accepting my CDing in the past year—and also moving from “pretty in the fantasy mirror,” to “passable” to “passable and actually pretty”—I’ve been feeling able to be more masculine en homme.

Which is a little strange, because I was always a believer in integrating the best of both “feminine” and “masculine” aspects of myself. But maybe it has to do with feeling more self-confident. Going out in public took balls I wasn’t sure I had, and the sense of mastery of craft that I got when I blended in was thrilling. Probably not unlike what Betty felt after a great performance. And showing my “Halloween” photo (my avatar) around in the last week or so and having people say “OMG, you were really pretty” has done wonders for making me feel I can be attractive, including en homme.
Maybe that I’m now less concerned about hiding the feminine side of me means I’m more relaxed en homme. I’m not about to crush beercans on my forehead any time soon, but after realizing it is all a bit of a performance I can butch up when needed. (I think of it as Marlena doing FTM crossdressing.) Maybe it’s simply just being more confident. My new look convinced me a I can be attractive—although I still feel more attractive en femme due to all the aids (make-up etc.) one can employ.

Someone else coin a way of looking at that I thought was worth remember. Marlena is trying to be the woman of [my male name]’s dreams. [My male name] is trying to be the man of Marlena’s dreams.