After also posting this on the Betty boards, some folks suggested I run through the pros and cons of telling Mom. Actually, I’m pretty good about cutting to the chase, i.e. figuring out what’s the worse that could happen and then deciding whether that something is something I can live with.

To be honest, I think it’s far more my own reluctance than my fear of her potential reaction. It’s been far easier to come out to the people I’m less close to. For example, it was a lot easier to tell my hair stylist, than one my best friends. Not sure why. Also I’m a little stressed with some work-related stuff, so I guess I’m just not feeling up to some of the inevitable discussions that would result. And part of it is that the trip is something she’s wanted to do for awhile, so I don’t want to preempt that. Some of that may just be rationalization, but then again, I’m not on any time table, so there’s not necessarily an urgency to disclosing.

Really it was more of a general reaction triggered by the act of literally compartmentalizing myself that set things off, rather than specifically the issue of whether I come out to her. As I mentioned, I only visit her a couple times a year so it’s usually no big deal — it’s just that this particular trip had the coincidence of also visiting someone en femme during the same trip (so I’ve got some wardrobe that would require some explaining) and Mom and I taking a trip together where we’re going to share a hotel room where certain things like shaved legs are harder to avoid being noticed. But all that just brought into relief the larger issue of needing to often put up a facade in my day-to-day life ad infinitum.

This is where I think the experience of part-time CDs differs from full-time TGs/TSs. OTOH, I can compartmentalize it. It’s really only a part of my life. I’m a weekend princess. OTOH, continued compartmentalizing has its own price to pay — one that’s not always appreciated. It may not be the knife at your heart, but it’s a stone in your shoe you can’t seem to get rid of. I’m lucky, I don’t feel shame or guilt about my crossdressing — although I realize it’s something society views as eccentric at best. It’s just there are times when I wish it didn’t….complicate….my life. (I can certainly understand why some folks choose to go deep stealth after GRS.)

It’s the counterpart to what Helen mentioned about “the sound of the other shoe not dropping.” I.e. for some, there’s an end to the road (even if getting there is hell). For me, there’s only the endless journey, and trying to find a middle path.

But anyway… recording my reactions is still a good idea.

Nettie mentioned she liked the analogy of the title — being a grown-up who have to squeeze into those little seats and act like a kid again. As mentioned, that wasn’t my intention — but upon reflection, yeah it’s quite apropos here.

I agree most people probably engage in a bit of role playing around their parents. In fact, I’ve used that as analogy to try to explain to people how about how I can be “different people” while still being “me.”