I was at Carla’s the other day to get my brows waxed, when a crossdresser from Texas called wanting to know if Carla would sell him a lingerie bag—you know the kind you use to keep your delicates from getting trashed in the washing machine. Carla sensibly told him to just go to the drugstore and buy one. After all, no one was going to know that his wife/girlfriend hadn’t asked him to buy one.

But that’s how paranoid many closeted trans people are. While in reality, people are remarkably oblivious, we’re paranoid that we’re going to do something and the entire store is going to point and laugh. I describe it to my gay and lesbian friends, that it’s like being homosexual before Stonewall. Not exactly alike, since trans folks don’t risk being cart off to jail, etc. just for being out in public. But the sense of fear is all too familiar.

It’s liberating to get past it. But trans activists, who are out and usually have been out for awhile, would do well to remember just how crippling that fear can be. Even now, having worked through it, it’s still one reason I’m “public but not fully out.” If I came out fully, probably nothing major would happen. In fact, having a respectable somewhat-known-in-his-field person come out probably would help in its little way towards gaining acceptance. But the thing is, I think it wouldn’t harm my career, but it’s that not knowing for sure… that makes what makes it hard to turn the knob on the closet door.