As mentioned, I went to the nail salon yesterday en femme and consequently got color on my fingernails as well as my toenails. Since the color looked really nice and was light “natural” color that wasn’t visible at distance, I decided to do an experiment in androgyny and leave it on today.
Sundays I have a routine, I like to read the paper over brunch at a favorite restaurant. Over the months I’ve become friendly with one of the waitresses, Maria, a grandmotherly Latina. When I found out she likes going through the coupons in the Sunday paper, I made a point of giving them to her and to thank me, she gave me Christmas cookies during the holiday.
When she came over to pick up the coupons today, Maria immediately noticed the nail polish because it was similar to her color. The way she responded sounded like she found it kind of cute. Since she wasn’t working the section where I was sitting, I told that if she had a minute, I’d share a secret with her.
A little later she came over and I said something to the effect that it wasn’t the first time I’d worn polish, and pulled out one of my photos. She said I looked pretty and I thumbed through some of the other photos. I thought it went well. Oh was I wrong…
This afternoon, I stopped by a fast-food place to pick up a snack before the Super Bowl. I sat down behind a couple and unintentionally eavesdropped while waiting for my order. Gradually, I realized the woman (who was facing away from me) was Maria and OMG she was talking about me. (Talk about coincidence…) She was telling her companion how she didn’t know what to say and how the more I talked about it, the sicker she got to her stomach. Apparently it upset her enough that she talked to the restaurant manager about it.
Needless to say, listening to her was painful in so many ways. Painful to know that my crossdressing caused her physical revulsion. Painful to know that I’d misread the situation so badly. Painful to know that I’d made her so uncomfortable.
While it was perhaps even more awkward to acknowledge I’d been eavesdropping, I was going to offer an apology and was waiting for but Maria and her companion go up and left before I could do. So we’ll see what happens next Sunday. I won’t apologize for being who I am, but I will apologize to Maria for putting her on the spot.
Just to clarify, I don’t feel bad as much about exposing her to something that her prejudices made her uncomfortable with, it’s more that because I was a customer, she didn’t feel comfortable saying how she felt.
I guess part of it is that confiding in her was tangential to our “professional” relationship. I don’t have any problem telling a sales clerk at a clothing store or make-up counter that I’m shopping for myself — it’s relevant to my purchase and if they want my business then they should serve me regardless of their personal feelings. If I’d come in en femme, then yeah, I would’ve expected the same. I dunno… this particular situation felt different.
Some days being trans just sucks…
February 7th, 2007 at 6:04 am
Oh my god, what a mortifying experience
I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I hope it hasn’t affected your confidence or your self-image. I know that for a lot of people, particularly those who lack your degree of comfort in your own skin, it would cause a major crisis and the impulse to withdraw from all things femme. Being who you are though, I trust you are dealing with it more constructively than that.
I do understand the distinction you are making between apologizing for who you are (which you won’t do) and apologizing for the way in which the situation unfolded. It is very hard sometimes to distinguish between acceptance and mere politeness, especially on the part of those we don’t know well. Which brings up an interesting issue in my mind…..
I think that the code of conduct for people in the service professions essentially requires them to feign acceptance of everyone and treat them with the appearance of respect, regardless of their personal feelings. I know that when I worked in retail years ago, I served every type of customer politely and graciously and never let on if I thought something was “off” about them. Only after they’d left would I turn to my co-workers and say “Phew! That guy’s B.O. nearly made me pass out” or whatever. Understanding this, I have to cringe a little when I hear CDs brag about how well they “passed” to store employees and how the sales help thought they were cute and so on. Yes, sometimes (a lot of times, maybe) this is the case, but you can’t always judge the true acceptance level of salesclerks, waiters, and other service staff by how well they treat you.
Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY glad that the rules of politeness exist and are observed by most people in public situations. I am just pointing out that it makes it very difficult for any of us to judge how we are really perceived.
So in closing I’ll just say again that I am very sorry this happened, but glad you shared it here. Definitely food for thought.
February 7th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Ouch. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for you. (Or for Maria, I guess, but that’s besides the point.)
I won’t rehash the list of lessons that you can or can’t draw from this experience – you already figured them out. I do agree that it makes sense to apologize to her for putting her in an uncomfortable spot. Of course you should do so in a way that does not tip her off to the fact that you KNOW that to be the case – she’ll wonder where/how you learned that, which could lead to even more awkwardness.
Sadly, we know that there is a not-huge-but-not-tiny-either portion of the population that is simply not ready to accept any forms of trans expression. I find it discouraging and upsetting when anyone would allow a prejudice to trump a real friendship (even the friendship between a server and a patron). We cannot change that fact. What we can do is continue to be friendly, outgoing, positive…and unapologetically trans. We do far more good than harm in enabling the community to learn who we are – even at the cost of occasionally painful episodes like this.
February 7th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
It hurt to read this. It brings to mind so many memories of disclosures gone bad for me. I feel your pain, and can only say: this too shall pass.
February 9th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
[...] Some lessons learned (with much thanks to the folks at the My Husband Betty forum for helping my sort out my thoughts) from last week’s coming-out-gone-wrong… [...]