So this morning, I went back to my favorite restaurant for my usual Sunday brunch determined to follow Tink’s advice and just act completely normal. The manager greeted me with his usual over-exuberance. Maria was working another section, but I caught her eye as she passed and let her know that I had the coupons for her as per usual. She took them with her usual abundant thank you’s.
Chalk one up to “commerical courtesy” I thought. But then….
I was head-down in the newspaper when, as she was passing by, Maria gave my hand a tap and gave me a big smile when I looked up. Then as was leaving, she gave me a friendly pat/rub on the back in the same sort of way she’s done previously.
What’s it all mean? I’m not really sure…
Obviously she wasn’t avoiding me. It seems like she was treating me with the same familiarity as before. Maybe she’s realized that even though she now knows something about me that freaked her out, I’m still me. Maybe realizing that I probably overheard her comments about me caused her to do some self-reflection. I dunno. At this point, I’ll leave it at “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
February 13th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Interesting outcome! Wow….I certainly understand the confusion. But, much as I’m sure we’d all like to think everything is sunshine, the pessimist in me says that her true sentiments are as she expressed earlier – and what you are hearing now might be professional courtesy. And, for all we know, her initial negativity faded quickly…after all it’s not like you told her you enjoyed clubbing puppies to death!
Still and all, I’m sure my sense is consistent with yours: most likely she is NOT ok with it, but is willing to move past it because other dimensions make this a not-crucial issue.
In any event, I was pleased to hear there was no overt coldness…even if you did not make a convert, at least you did not lose a restaurant!
Erica
February 15th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
I’m sure that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is the appropriate way to handle it at this point. I’m afraid you’ll never know how she truly feels, but her actions make it clear that it won’t be an issue in your relationship, which is better than some of the outcomes you may have been imagining.
As a genetic woman who was once on the receiving end of the “shocking” news that my then-SO was a CD, I can say that it is very typical of women to be reassuring and comforting (even overly so, as if to compensate) when inside they are going “Oh. My. God. This person needs serious help.” Now obviously Maria is not your partner, so her investment is much, much less, but her reactions could still follow the same pattern. It could also be that she wants to forget about it and pretend it never happened (another common reaction among SOs btw), which is accomplished by acting completely normal and hoping that you will take your cue and do the same.
I am still really sorry that the whole thing unfolded the way it did. But it seems to have been a learning experience, and in the end it doesn’t seem as though it has changed anything—outwardly—between you and Maria. The story has certainly been an eye-opener for me and probably for your other readers. Thanks for the update.
February 17th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Thanks for the insights, Marla. I agree, I’ll probably know how she truly feels.