It’s easy to focus on the setbacks, so it’s good that Mara Keisling, Executive Director of the National Center for Transgender Equality, reminds us that last week’s news mentions progress being made in three different states. Trans-inclusive anti-discrimination bills have been introduced in Massachusetts, in Maryland and in Montana(!).
Interview with activist Pauline Park
Feministing has an interview with Pauline Park, who was the first openly transgendered person to be grand marshal of the New York City Pride March in June 2005 and currently is co-active chair of the New York Association for Gender Rights Advocacy.
I liked Park’s approach to self-definition:
[F]undamentally, I don’t feel the need for hormones or surgery to define myself as a woman. I identify as a male-bodied woman, which is a fairly radical concept even within the transgender community; I don’t see the presence or absence of a penis as defining what constitutes a man or a woman. I bring feminist consciousness to my activism and my perception of who I am….There are a lot of transgendered people who believe that they need to alter their genitalia to be who they are, but I don’t. I’ve never felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I do feel like a woman inhabiting a male body. Although that may sound like a subtle distinction, it reflects a fundamental difference in thinking.
I see my work not as being about helping a small number of post-op transsexuals fit more comfortably in existing boxes, but rather, helping all of us break out of these boxes so we can all live lives free of discrimination and violence related to gender identity and expression.
For what it’s worth, I’m feeling a lot better today after yesterday’s rude shock. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all of that…
More thoughts later.
As mentioned, I went to the nail salon yesterday en femme and consequently got color on my fingernails as well as my toenails. Since the color looked really nice and was light “natural” color that wasn’t visible at distance, I decided to do an experiment in androgyny and leave it on today.
Sundays I have a routine, I like to read the paper over brunch at a favorite restaurant. Over the months I’ve become friendly with one of the waitresses, Maria, a grandmotherly Latina. When I found out she likes going through the coupons in the Sunday paper, I made a point of giving them to her and to thank me, she gave me Christmas cookies during the holiday.
When she came over to pick up the coupons today, Maria immediately noticed the nail polish because it was similar to her color. The way she responded sounded like she found it kind of cute. Since she wasn’t working the section where I was sitting, I told that if she had a minute, I’d share a secret with her.
A little later she came over and I said something to the effect that it wasn’t the first time I’d worn polish, and pulled out one of my photos. She said I looked pretty and I thumbed through some of the other photos. I thought it went well. Oh was I wrong…
This afternoon, I stopped by a fast-food place to pick up a snack before the Super Bowl. I sat down behind a couple and unintentionally eavesdropped while waiting for my order. Gradually, I realized the woman (who was facing away from me) was Maria and OMG she was talking about me. (Talk about coincidence…) She was telling her companion how she didn’t know what to say and how the more I talked about it, the sicker she got to her stomach. Apparently it upset her enough that she talked to the restaurant manager about it.
Needless to say, listening to her was painful in so many ways. Painful to know that my crossdressing caused her physical revulsion. Painful to know that I’d misread the situation so badly. Painful to know that I’d made her so uncomfortable.
While it was perhaps even more awkward to acknowledge I’d been eavesdropping, I was going to offer an apology and was waiting for but Maria and her companion go up and left before I could do. So we’ll see what happens next Sunday. I won’t apologize for being who I am, but I will apologize to Maria for putting her on the spot.
Just to clarify, I don’t feel bad as much about exposing her to something that her prejudices made her uncomfortable with, it’s more that because I was a customer, she didn’t feel comfortable saying how she felt.
I guess part of it is that confiding in her was tangential to our “professional” relationship. I don’t have any problem telling a sales clerk at a clothing store or make-up counter that I’m shopping for myself—it’s relevant to my purchase and if they want my business then they should serve me regardless of their personal feelings. If I’d come in en femme, then yeah, I would’ve expected the same. I dunno… this particular situation felt different.
Some days being trans just sucks…
Disappearing into the woodwork - CD style
For what it’s worth, I posted this over at the Crossdressers.com forum.
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Those of you who are long-time members will remember that I used to post a lot, but lately I’ve been pretty quiet (up to until a few weeks ago) and I just wanted to talk about why.
It’s pretty well known that a number of post-ops “disappear into the woodwork” after transitioning. While I think it’s unfortunate in some ways (because they’re not there to provide role models), I can certainly understand the desire to be “normal” for once in your life. I’ve been doing something similar, albeit for very different reasons.
Part of the reason I haven’t been around here that much is other competing demands on my time (both life in general and being a mod on another forum). Part of it is just the normal dynamic of being a long-term member in a forum where topics tend to repeat themselves. (When you’ve seen threads on favorite panties 17 times before, it just gets hard to muster enough interest to reply to the latest one.)
But mostly it’s because my crossdressing has become just another part of my life. (I do have some advantages here. I live in a trans-friendly area. I’m single, so I don’t have to work through the relationship troubles that coming out to an SO can cause. (There is the whole dating issue, however…)
When I first went out, it was such a new and exciting experience, I felt the need to write about it in great detail each time I did it. But over time, I felt less and less need do so. But unless it was a special occasion, it was being “normal.”
For example, a couple weekends ago this was my en femme outing: going to a boutique to get a leather jacket altered, stopping for a late lunch, checking out the sales at the department stores, realizing it was a clear day and driving up to Twin Peaks to admire the view. In short, pretty similar to a woman running errands on a Sunday afternoon. (And no I didn’t call ahead to any of the stores I visited, I just want there and was treated like any other customer.) At this point it’s just “normal,” nothing to write about.
At this point, I usually go out a couple times a month. Sometimes it’s to trans events, such as a local monthly “girl’s night out” dinner. Sometimes it’s to trans-friendly spaces, like Marlena’s, which hosts the Faux Girls show. (If you want to learn to boost your confidence, hanging out with DQ is a great way—they don’t take nuthin’ from nobody.) But it’s equally like to be going out to dinner with friends, shopping, going out to a local museum or concert, or just hanging out on the town.
So even if I’m not writing about it anymore, you can safely assume this weekend princess is out most weekends—and being treated graciously and respectfully by the vast majority of people I interact with. I’ve told a number friends and several co-workers, who’ve all been pretty accepting. When I go shopping these days, if I’m en homme, I’m upfront that a skirt is for me (and bring along a photo of me en femme to show the sales clerks). In short, while I’m not fully out, it’s now just another (enjoyable) part of my life.
Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.
I’ve been getting manicures and pedicures at a local salon for about a year now—and yes that does include getting color on my toes—and the nail techs not only know about my crossdressing but always want to know if I’ve got new photos. Last time, one of them asked when they were going to see me en femme, so….
Yesterday I came en femme. Some of the reactions were priceless. I did get a bit of a second-take at the reception desk—but that’s OK because while I blend in crowd, I don’t have any illusions about being mistaken for female in up-close interaction.
One of the nail techs, Cammie, came out because it was time for my appointment and it tok her a minute to recognize me—then was “OMG!” Unfortunately, she tipped off the others, so I wasn’t able to get their candid reactions. (One of the hair stylists also told me she didn’t recognize me until she stared at me for a minute.)
There was a woman in her 20s getting a manicure, who did a brief double-take initially, but then treated it as no big deal. The nail techs wanted to know if I did my own make-up—and they were oohing and ahhing over it once I told them that yes I did. (Personally, I still think I’ve got a bit to learn, but it’s not the first time I’ve gotten compliments on it. 
) The other woman commented that she’d never really learned to do make-up herself. I replied that I wasn’t born knowing it either, it was just a matter of practice, if she cared to learn.
So it just like another day at the nail salon with all of us chatting. Sally, one of the other techs, commented that she kept forgetting I wasn’t a woman. Another tech Chrissie—who in the past had asked all sort of friendly questions—said she missed having me in guy mode. I told not to worry, I took requests so I could come back en homme next month. Chrissie mentioned that maybe I could alternate.
The first woman left and another client, Krystal, came in to fix a broken nail. She didn’t bat an eye, but she’d been there before when I’d talked about my crossdressing. Then came the thing I totally didn’t expect—I got upstaged by Krystal! I’m not sure how they got on the topic, but Krystal started showing Chrissie some dirty pictures and animations (such as Fred and Wilma like you’d never seen them on TV) that were on her cell phone. Pretty soon, several of the other hairstylists were coming over to take a look and asking Krystal to forward them to their phones.
I’d made the mistake of wearing closed-toe shoes, so I had to wait around about 30 minutes for the polish to fully dry (and I still got a smudge, grrr). In that time Krystal left and a mother came in with her twin nine-year-old daughters, who were having a birthday pedicure. I got a little nervous, knowing moms can get protective of their children, but if she noticed that I was a guy in dress, she didn’t let on. (The two girls did sneak an occasional peek in my direction.) However, I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall after I left… Guess I’ll find out next time.
Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.
‘Ugly Betty’s’ pretty-boy nephew
Lengthy LA Times article about Ugly Betty’s effeminate nephew who has been embraced by those who don’t ‘fit in’:
As the 12-year-old nephew of Betty Suarez on “Ugly Betty,” Justin Suarez is not your average television series foil.For starters, he’s Latino. He also knows exactly how a belt can accessorize a Valentino gown; he can sing and tap à la Gene Kelly in “On the Town,” and when a cheating boyfriend breaks his aunt’s heart, Justin’s antidote is to offer her chamomile tea.
Is there a subtext there?...
Whether the effeminate and fashion-obsessed Justin is gay, his presence on the No. 1 new comedy of the season is certainly breaking ground, and nobody is more aware of it than the 12-year-old who plays him.
“My fan mail is mostly kids, especially kids that don’t really fit in and people don’t really understand them,” Mark Indelicato said. “They go, ‘Thank you, because you’re helping me to be understood by my peers,’ and anybody else who doesn’t understand them. That touches me. I’m glad that I’m reaching such a large amount of people.”...
Make no mistake: There’s no soapbox on the one-hour romp that is “Ugly Betty,” but the show weaves in a message.
In an episode in which Justin spent the day at Mode magazine, he met Marc (Michael Urie), a flamboyant assistant, who offered this advice when Justin reveals that kids at school don’t “get” his blue sweater vest: “Be who you are, wear what you want. Just learn how to run really fast.”
“What the show does is normalize what should be a normal thing,” said Michael Jensen, the editor of AfterElton.com, a gay media website. “Justin wouldn’t have had a big coming out moment at this moment in life, but it still seems very clear. And the same thing with Marc. I don’t remember him at any point saying, ‘Yes, I’m gay, I’ve got a boyfriend’ or something like that. It’s just completely woven into the fabric of the show in a completely natural way. And I think that’s how you get to people. You slip in the side door without making a big deal out of it.”
In fact, the success of the series largely lies in the writers’ use of common stereotypes to lead viewers down a road and then take unexpected turns. Characters — even those who don’t work in fashion — are portrayed larger than life, leaving room for their humanity to be uncovered when layers are peeled away.
“The characters on ‘Ugly Betty,’ stereotyped that they may be, are written about lovingly by somebody who is obviously not judging them. And that’s what’s important,” said Ross von Metzke, senior editor of here! Interactive Media, website for the gay and lesbian channel.
Jensen agreed: “I do know that some people have reacted to the exaggeration of the characters, but that’s the sensibility of the show. And I think that the only time that would be offensive is if everyone else was understated and then you have the gay character flounce on and be all dramatic and really stand out.”...
Of course, said Horta, the backdrop of his show is the fashion world in Manhattan, so it followed there would be gay characters at Mode. But in Queens, where Betty lives, the idea for a boy who lives for musical theater and fashion was born more out of a need to counter Betty in a humorous and touching way than out of the desire to make headlines with TV’s first mainstream gay child character.
“I wanted someone to come from Betty’s world and inform her journey and be a sort of a young sage,” Horta said. “The dynamic of that relationship is just so appealing to me. And he’s such a fun character we never see. He’s not old enough for us to explore his sexual identity. We will have to deal with it, absolutely, as the show evolves and his character evolves.”
