Took part in a panel discussion on “How to be a Fabulous Trans Ally” as part of Sha’ar Zahav Congregation’s “Trans Celebration Shabbat.” Kudos to the synagogue for doing the day-long series of workshops and thanks to Sam Davis of United Genders for inviting me.

There were five of us. including two trans woman, a trans guy and Sam, who identifies as gender queer—so there was a good representation of the trans spectrum. Unfortunately, by the time everyone did a brief introduction about themselves, there wasn’t that much time left to actually talk about how to be a trans ally.

But if I had to sum it up in a few sentences:

  • Don’t make assumptions— about someone’s gender based on their appearance or about their sexual orientation (sexual orientiation is about who you’re attracted to, gender identity is about who you see yourself as).

  • Don’t ask personal questions that you’d never dream of asking someone else—for example, whether they’ve had surgery, taking hormones, etc.

  • Do respect someone’s confidentiality if they ask you to. Trans people can and do get fired after being outted.

  • Don’t tolerate trans-phobic jokes or comments, nor trans-related bullying.

  • Do be aware that not everyone agrees on what language to use to refer to the transgender communities, and that language is evolving. There are useful glossaries from GLAAD, the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association and United Genders—but when in doubt, just ask someone what terms they prefer. For example, some folks will find “tranny” offensive, some use it as re-appropriated term of pride (ala “queer”) and for many folks whether it’s offensive depends on who’s using it and with what intent.

One point Sam made I thought was particularly useful is how “passing” has very different meanings in the trans community vs. the GLB communities. In the latter it often has perjorative overtones of “hiding,” as in “straight-acting gays,” whereas in the trans communities, it simply means blending in as your desired gender.

Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.