A Dahl's House

Finally getting a chance to get caught up…

Attended the California Dreamin’ conference in San Jose last weekend. It’s funny, when I first started going out in public two years ago I was really looking forward to attending a transgender conference. For a number of closeted trans people, these sorts of conferences are the only time they get to spend an extended amount of time as their desired gender. But since I go out in public pretty regularly, that alone wasn’t very motivating. Plus the seminars were heavily weighted toward those on the transition track. As it turned out, the sessions on GRS were packed, so obviously they were crowd pleasers, but on the whole, I was having trouble finding a full day of sessions that I was interested in attending. So I wasn’t that enthusiastic, but since I know the organizer, there was a bit of feeling obligated to make an appearance. It didn’t help that my friends Marla and Rachel, who I was supposed to have dinner with, ended up having to cancel at the last minute.

But nonetheless I got up at 6 a.m. to start getting ready. (Note to organizers of trans conferences: starting a 9 a.m. is a wee bit early for us poor crossdressers, who take longer to get ready.) I was already running behind, when my landscaper contractor dropped by to look at a bit of the yard where I want some work done. Then just as he was leaving, the gardeners came a half-hour early. Grrr…. I’m at a point where I don’t necessarily care if people find out about my crossdressing, but I just wasn’t ready to deal with coming out on a Saturday morning, so I had to lay low inside the house for a half hour.

Unfortunately that mean I missed the first session of the day, which was about choosing and caring for your wig. I caught a little bit of the Q&A, which made me even more irritated since it seemed it had some good info. But my mood got better when I found out about a last-minute addition of a session on how to take good photos, put on by the owner of Adam to Eve and photographer she works with. The two also were offering a mini-shoot in the vendor area — a great deal at the price. Looking forward to some of the shots taken.

In the afternoon Denae Doyle put on a great session about “Sensual Moves.” (Doyle is a “femininity coach” who works with both beauty pageant contestants as well as transwoman and crossdressers.) Apparently Doyle has wanted to do this topic for awhile — although it apparently freaks out gender therapists because it involves learning how to move and dance “sexy.” Doyle did point out there’s a time and place for it. To paraphrase “Spiderman”: with great power comes great responsibility. The interesting thing to me was that she was teaching people how to dance with the sort “talking with your hands” hand movements that I’ve always had to rein in while dancing en homme.

At the end of the session, Doyle mentioned that she could do a private session — and since I’d been wanting to meet with her for ages, I leapt at the chance. Doyle does teach what’s been called “beauty pageant femininity,” i.e. it’s a bit on the stereotypical femmy side (Doyle herself was raised in “Texas high femme” where women get done up to go to the store), but being a little exaggerated makes easier to learn and one can always dial it back. Doyle had some good suggestions on how to move differently — unfortunately I really need a bit more flexibility to do it. So I’ve got a bit of stretching to do. She also helped me with my voice. It turns out I’d been approaching things backwards (trying to still the lower vocal cords when I should be trying to use only them). I was actually able to get a much more realistic voice, albeit only for short sentences, but that was enough to give me incentive to practice more.

So when all was said and done, it turned out to be very enjoyable day.

Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.

Non-stop work has kept from posting the last two weeks, but I’m finally getting a chance to catch up.

I’d volunteered to join Transgender San Francisco’s speakers’ bureau and I did my first outreach engagement talking to a local PFLAG group. Fortunately, I shared the podium with TGSF’s president, Allison, who has done a number of Trans 101 sessions, including for the local police departments, so I didn’t have to wing it entirely.

There were about two dozen people at PFLAG meeting, with at least a half-dozen with children or relatives who are trans, mostly on the FTM side. (Which makes sense, given that it’s not uncommon for FTMs to have spent time in the lesbian communities.) Needless to say, it was a receptive audience and Allison and I were told we gave one of the better presentations they’d had.

Last week, one of my best CD friends, Erica, came out the visit. Even though things were really crazed, I took the time to go meet her for dinner up in SF. (You can read her account of things.) Aside from it always being lovely to spend time with Erica, it was also a good mental break from work as well.

Thankfully, I’ve handed off the project (mostly — since I suspect there will be revisions in the offing) and headed off to Vegas (yeah, baby Vegas!) for a few days of play and a few days of attending a conference. I won’t be going out in femme. Mostly, I’m just a bit worn down and don’t feel like it. But also it’s one of the trade-offs of going in-house. Running my own consultancy, I was prepared to deal with the consequences if I was spotted en femme, but since I’m now “representing” my employer among my professional peers that changes things. But maybe some other trip.

Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.

Had a nice weekend going down to visit my Mom for her birthday. While I was there, we saw an excellent exhibition of Ansel Adams’ photos, which I highly recommend seeing if you’re in the Orange County area this spring.

On the flight home, I was reading the wonderful “Butch is a Noun,” which caught the eye of the woman sitting next to me. Turns out she was a med student who’s planning to go into psychiatry, so she was interested in learning about a variety of people’s experiences. Which in turn led me to also recommend “She’s Not the Man I Married,” and in turn to mention that I crossdress and do some Trans 101. We had a nice discussion and I could see the lightbulbs going on in her head. An added bonus was that it turned out she hates flying, so our talk took her mind off that.

So hopefully it’ll lead to one more person in the psychiatric community who’s got a more realistic picture of what trans people are like.

I’ve been getting manicures and pedicures at a local salon for about a year now — and yes that does include getting color on my toes — and the nail techs not only know about my crossdressing but always want to know if I’ve got new photos. Last time, one of them asked when they were going to see me en femme, so….

Yesterday I came en femme. Some of the reactions were priceless. I did get a bit of a second-take at the reception desk — but that’s OK because while I blend in crowd, I don’t have any illusions about being mistaken for female in up-close interaction.

One of the nail techs, Cammie, came out because it was time for my appointment and it tok her a minute to recognize me — then was “OMG!” Unfortunately, she tipped off the others, so I wasn’t able to get their candid reactions. (One of the hair stylists also told me she didn’t recognize me until she stared at me for a minute.)

There was a woman in her 20s getting a manicure, who did a brief double-take initially, but then treated it as no big deal. The nail techs wanted to know if I did my own make-up — and they were oohing and ahhing over it once I told them that yes I did. (Personally, I still think I’ve got a bit to learn, but it’s not the first time I’ve gotten compliments on it. ) The other woman commented that she’d never really learned to do make-up herself. I replied that I wasn’t born knowing it either, it was just a matter of practice, if she cared to learn.

So it just like another day at the nail salon with all of us chatting. Sally, one of the other techs, commented that she kept forgetting I wasn’t a woman. Another tech Chrissie — who in the past had asked all sort of friendly questions — said she missed having me in guy mode. I told not to worry, I took requests so I could come back en homme next month. Chrissie mentioned that maybe I could alternate.

The first woman left and another client, Krystal, came in to fix a broken nail. She didn’t bat an eye, but she’d been there before when I’d talked about my crossdressing. Then came the thing I totally didn’t expect — I got upstaged by Krystal! I’m not sure how they got on the topic, but Krystal started showing Chrissie some dirty pictures and animations (such as Fred and Wilma like you’d never seen them on TV) that were on her cell phone. Pretty soon, several of the other hairstylists were coming over to take a look and asking Krystal to forward them to their phones.

I’d made the mistake of wearing closed-toe shoes, so I had to wait around about 30 minutes for the polish to fully dry (and I still got a smudge, grrr). In that time Krystal left and a mother came in with her twin nine-year-old daughters, who were having a birthday pedicure. I got a little nervous, knowing moms can get protective of their children, but if she noticed that I was a guy in dress, she didn’t let on. (The two girls did sneak an occasional peek in my direction.) However, I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall after I left… Guess I’ll find out next time.

Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you’ve got no desire to leave the house, that’s fine, I’m not trying to push you out the door. But for those who’ve been yearning to do so, I just want to let you the world may not be as scary a place as you think.

Had a great time at this year’s Transgender San Francisco Cotillion, which was held at the Regency Ballroom this year. Much nice than last year’s location at a theater. You could get up mid-show to get a drink, use the ladies room, or check out the silent auction. Did I mention this year’s Cotillion was the best attended in five years, with several hundred people in attendence? This year’s Guys and Debutants Walk was great to see as well (with more transguys than I remember from last year), since for many of the MTFs, the Cotillion is their first foray out of the house. What was especially cool is to see the T folks get together with the GLB folks. This year the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence were helping put on the event and evidently have been working with TGSF to help them improve their fundraising and organizational skills. (I’ve always been fond of the Sisters, who in addition to their charitable work, do a drag on drag that’s great fun.)

Since I didn’t have time to look for another dress I — gasp — wore the same dress as last year. But I did up the bling this year with my drag princess-in-training rhinestones. Afterwards, I headed over to Marlena’s for the Faux Girls show, which I haven’t had a chance to go to in weeks, so it was nice to get caught up with friends (as well as hanging out with folks I’d met at the Cotillion.

Getting ready for the Cotillion Saturday was another matter… I’d gotten a nice bling-y necklace the weekend before, but I realized it and the rhinestone bracelet I’d gotten were silver-toned, not gold-toned. So the gold purse I had wouldn’t work. I thought I had a black clutch purse, but I couldn’t find the it. So off to Macy’s. Fortunately, I found a silver metalic purse right off the bat (and got compliments about it later). I’d also decided that the black shoes were a little blah and Avenue had some really cute rhinestone slides. Calling around, I found their store in Fremont still had it in my size. So I shlepped over there at the last minute to pick them up. (Had fun with the sales clerk — “It’s for her,” I said, taking out a photo of me in the dress. She didn’t even recognize that it was me until I told her.) I didn’t bother to try the shoes on, because I’ve bought plenty of shoes from Avenue, so I know their sizes. But this time…you guessed it…was the exception. They were too big and there was no time left to exchanged. Grrr…. As it was, I ended up getting there late and missing the pre-show reception, so I only had limited time during the breaks to say hi to everyone. Yeah, I know… tranny time.

Granted smarter retailers aren’t going to make a big deal out of a crossdressed customer — after a sale is a sale — but I had a couple experiences yesterday that went above and beyond simple “commercial courtesy.”

Among others, I needed to pick up a leather jacket I had taken in by the good folks at Fog City Leather (who didn’t bat an eye at my differing gender from one visit to another), which gave me a chance to check out a plus-size boutique, Go Figure, which one of the women at my nail salon recommended. Normally, I would’ve preferred to go en femme, but with this damn cold I just didn’t have the energy to get dressed.

I was upfront about the fact that I was looking for stuff for me. The older saleswoman said, “I don’t mean to pry but” — “Ask away,” I replied. I ended up showing them my photos and having a nice Trans 101 discussion with the two saleswomen working that day, who seemed genuinely interested in learning more about crossdressers and trans issues. At the end of it, one of the saleswomen showed me their album of customer photos and said if I wanted to give them a photo of me wearing their clothes I’d be able to get a discount on my next purchase. Very sweet of them.

I had a great — if expensive — in Los Angeles last weekend.

Caitlyn, one of my former best (female) friends from LA, who now lives in Paris (I don’t hate you, really…), but is back in town for a few weeks. I came out to her back in August, and her first words were: “Oh cool!” So this time, she wanted to see me en femme.

Even though I knew she’d be accepting of it (and she was), I confess I was still a little nervous beforehand. It’s one thing to be en femme in front of people I don’t know well — it’s another to do so with people I know well.

But never fear. Caitlyn and I had a great girl’s day out. We started with lunch at our favorite sushi place, which has lot of specialities you can’t get anywhere else. As we were leaving the restaurant, Caitlyn turned to me and said, “I think the waitress really liked you.” The waitress was pretty friendly, but I’d just chalked that up to her being perky, although she did seem a bit intrigued. I guess another woman discovered she’s trans-amorous. Too bad, I wasn’t really attuned to the possibility someone might be turned on by me being in femme.

(And not that I think anyone mistakes me for female close-up, but the waitress certainly knew I was a guy after Caitlyn accidentally referred to me as “he.” To her credit, as the waitress had taken our order, Caitlyn immediately asked me which pronoun I preferred, and apologized profusely. Even if she kept made the same mistake later on in the day. But I knew she was trying and in fairness, I’m sure she it’s hard for her to shift gears after knowing me for years as a guy (and knowing see was going to see me in guy mode the following day as well).

Next we went to Sak’s because Caitlyn needed some skin care products — with the exchange rate and VAT tax in France, stuff is cheaper here — and she ended up taking me to the make-up counters and suggesting things for me to get. Found a nice blush, and some lipsticks. But definitely not cheap. (Cecilia is more of a Beverly Hills brat than she’s willing to admit to.) OTOH, since I only wear make-up a couple times a month, they should last quite a while.

After that, we went to B&B Hardware to pick up something she needed. B&B is one of those old-time, we-have-everything, high-testerone places — but no one seemed to bat an eye. Then we went to the Nordstom’s Rack at the Bridge (nothing interesting for me on the meager selection of plus-sized racks, but Caitlyn picked up a half-dozen shirts). We grabbed a bite for dinner, and saw “Casino Royale,” which I’d wanted to see and Caitlyn was happy to drool over Daniel Craig a second time.

I’m not sure if I’m passing more than I realize, or if it’s just that Angelenos have an of equivalent New Yorkers “seen it all ‘tude” but I really didn’t seem to get noticed that much, even at the Bridge which has a lot of blacks and Hispanics teens (who in the past have been most apt to stare or giggle). ‘Course it did probably help that I was dressed like an “typical” local, in jeans, a patterned top and casual blazer — and yes, I did wear pants. While I admit I would’ve preferred a skirt, given the unseasonably frigid weather, pants just made sense.

Interestingly, Caitlyn mentioned, she thought I was cuter as a girl than as a boy. Which I supposed might be a back-handed compliment, but I know she meant well. But I can see her point. The baby cheeks that I hate in guy mode give me a softer more “feminine” face, and make-up and women’s clothing are designed to show off one’s physical features. But I think in part, she meant it as a compliment that I wasn’t over-doing things – she knows someone else who’s cross-living, but whose falsetto voice and overly girly-girl mannerisms Caitlyn finds really annoying.

The next day, I got together with Caitlyn again, this time in en homme, since I needed to get some guy clothes and I generally find more interesting stuff in LA than here in the Bay Area. (After all a metrosexual does have an image to maintain.) Sadly, I hadn’t seen much at the Nordstrom Rack the night before (even though I’ve had really good luck there in the past). So instead we went to the Century City mall, which has been remodelled so much that I didn’t recognize anything. We stumbled across a boutique called Veni Vidi Vici, which had some great funky-yet-work-appropriate stuff — and on sale! I ended up getting four shirts, which I badly needed, since I didn’t have too many long-sleeve shirts for work.

Caitlyn also needed to stop at Sephora for some things, and we found a really nice foundation that matches really well (Caitlyn thought my current foundation was a shade too dark — and that’s the value of a good friend: she was willing to point out what others might not.) I had great fun with the sales clerk at the register. She asked if I wanted the foundation gift wrapped, so pulled out a photo of me en femme. “Is that your sister?” she asked. “Guess again,” I replied. “No way!” she squealed. My little bit of trans education…

After dropping off Caitlyn at her parents home, I got a chance to meet up with Isabella from the Betty boards and her husband Rene, who were both lovely. It was great to talk with Isabella again (we’d met when I was in LA last summer) and to get to know Rene. I’ve learned the hard way that just because someone else is trans doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve got much in common, so it’s always nice to meet folks who I feel like are on the same wave-length.

Forgot blebt, I’ve been woefully behind on even posting. Anyway, I wanted to get caught up on my New Year’s weekend in New York.

Every year I go visit my brother in New England and when I realized that the monthly get-together of some of the My Husband Betty regulars happened to fall on January 2 — which was great way to meet folks face-to-face finally. I also ended up meeting a lot of other folks for lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. — so many that I really didn’t do any touristy stuff. But fortunately, I’ve been there enough that I didn’t mind.

Got into New York City, Saturday evening and had the night to myself. Walked through Times Square — it was even more Disney-ified than I remember from my last trips. A Red Lobster on Times Square (even with Aanndre and Tim Gunn) — that’s just wrong. Where are the peep shows? The crackheads? (I did feel better when I saw puddles of vomit on the sidewalk in the Village. Now that’s the New York I remember….) Walked past the Rockfeller Center and the hordes of crowds watching the skaters — the rink is far more fun to look at than to skate in, I decided. Then I headed up to Barney’s to look at their window displays, which are supposed to be outrageous. But somehow I missed them. My next disappointment of the night came in trying to find a drag show listed in one of the guidebooks. (It would’ve been fun to compare SF/NY queens.) But either I missed the bar, or it had gone out of business. Finally, I didn’t move fast enough to get through one of those “cage” turnstiles and got locked out — and could use my pass again. (Note to tourists: I’m informed by the locals, that if you wait 10-15 minutes, you’ll be able to use the pass again. Or talk to the folks in the ticket booths, who will help out as long as it’s one of the 3-day or 7-day passes).

New Year’s Eve, I met Donna and her son for lunch. Apparently, I severely disappointed Donna’s son by appearing en homme again (just as I had when they visited San Francisco). Next time, I promise…. Had dinner with Michelle York, who was lovely. Spent a quiet New Year’s Eve as far as possible from Times Square. New Year’s Day, I went out en femme shopping most of the day. Unfortunately, it was raining all day and I discovered the new women’s raincoat I got doesn’t breathe that well, which wasn’t a good thing given the abnormally warm temperatures. Missed Barney’s again. (I finally found it Wedneday, by which time they’d taken down the Christmas displays.) Despite hitting numerous stores I didn’t end up buying anything. Partly I’ve gotten picky about what I can put into my small closet. But I just didn’t see anything interesting. Had dinner with Lex, who was a perfect gentleman.

Tuesday, I got to together with Erica, who can give you her account of things. ‘Course she didn’t mention that I was left waiting around on the corner, just as a middle school let out. Either I blend more than I realize, or even middle school New Yorkers have adopted the jade “seen it all” look because I didn’t here one peep out of the hordes of kids passing by. Had a lovely time walking around the Village and then stopping for drinks. Not having to worry about driving does make a big difference — and I think I overdid it a bit every day I was in NYC. So I was a bit ah…happy…by the time of the MHB get-together at The Center. Definitely great to meet people face-to-face after talking to them for months on the Betty boards.

Also managed to squeeze in a visit with Helen and Betty, both of whom I can’t say enough good things about. BTW, if you haven’t done so already, sign up to get a signed copy of Helen’s soon-to-be-released book “She’s Not the Man I Married.” Also had lunch with the lovely Caprice, although it was a little awkward since we were both en homme and not quite sure what to call each other.
By the time I was headed home, I needed a bit of time-off from my time-off, but it was great fun.

Turns out I wasn’t one of the winners in costume contest. OTOH, someone pointed out that as a consultant, a lot of people at the company didn’t know me.

Ah well, there’s always next year….

Well it’s been a busy couple days.

Friday night I went out to the TGSF Halloween Party (which is also a fundraiser for the groups) — and got to do some semi-drag. Semi because I was wearing my Little Red Riding Hood costume rather than full drag.

Definitely fun, although I definitely could use more practice — but I still did better than most of the other folks who performed (if I say so myself). I did well enough I was asked if I could perform a second number — that one wasn’t nearly as polished, but at least I did know all the words (generally a good idea when one is lip-synching. )

Anyway, today my client’s company had costume contest planned so I dusted off the costume again and went dressed up to work. On the way to work, I shopped to get my usual coffee and when I placed my order the counter staff did a doubletake — “That’s you?!” Turns out they hadn’t recognized me until I heard my voice (which I didn’t bother to try to feminize).

Same thing happened at work. More than a couple people said they didn’t recognize me at first — and definitely did a doubletake when they realized what was up. Overall, everyone got a huge kick out it, especially since I was one of the few people who showed up in costume for the day (a lot of folks just got dressed up for the contest itself). A couple of the women told me they couldn’t believe how pretty I was — which needless to say was extraordinarily pleasing.

Still waiting to hear about the results of the costume contest. They gave a ballot all the employees, so they going to tally up the results and send out an email announcing the winners.

Was supposed to go out to a party tonight, but when I stopped for dinner, I ended up getting in a conversation with the people at the next table — in which I ended up talking how this wasn’t the first time I’d put on a dress. We had a such a good conversation, I didn’t realize how the time flew until the restaurant was closing up for the night — at which point I didn’t feel like driving up to San Francisco for the party. But all-in-all quite a fun day.