A Dahl’s House

I just ran across a new one—check it out!

Over at My Husband Betty, we’ve been having one of our fluffier discussions: what lipstick do you use?

I’ve got a couple different shades that I use: MAC’s Taupe (not really taupe) with Spice lip liner is a good neutral day-time shade.

For evening or drag I tend to use Viva Glam IV (rose with gold) with Brick lip liner, or Media (reddish purple) with Vino lip liner, both of which are matched to the eye shadow/blush I’m wearing.

Both lip balm and foundation are helpful. Lip balm to prevent chapping, and a light coat of foundation will help the lipstick stay on. (Foundation does lighten your lips a bit, so you need to compensate by going a little dark with the shade of lipstick.) FWIW, a friend of mine claims that different brands can make a difference. For example, she finds MAC’s Russian Red really drying, but found the same shade elsewhere that works fine.

FYI, Paula’s Choice has the best lip brush I’ve seen—it holds a point like nothing else.

FWIW, one tip I learned: if you use a lip liner, first outline your lips, then lay the pencil on its side and feather inward. This both gives you lips a fuller look (since the edges of your lip will be slightly darker than middle, and avoids the “Joan Crawford look” if your lipstick wears off.

I’ve been reading a book of essays about the supposed decline and fall of gay culture, and there was an interesting discussion about how retailers like International Male “de-gayed” their catalogs as they attempted to broaden their market to adventurous hetro men.For example, the language used to describe their thong underwear was no longer about being sexy—something women’s retailers like Victoria’s Secret never have been shy about—instead the new language played up how sensuous the clothing was supposed to be for the wearer. The author argues (rightly) that these retailers were trying to remove the specter of admiring male gazes. But (being a gay man) I think he missed that there’s still an overall societal discomfort with “pretty men.” As someone who perused International Male because I wanted to be able to wear sexy underwear too (back when I was actually young enough and in shape enough to look decent in it)—I sadly knew that it wasn’t likely I’d find a woman who’d appreciate it.As I said at the last outreach panel I did, I grew up in an era where male beauty wasn’t discussed let alone valued. (Which is good in some ways, because I didn’t end up with the body issues that most women have.) But it does hurt to have something you care about not being valued—a bit like women who want to be valued for their intellect and find people only care about their beauty. Sabara Star put it nicely, folks like me feel we were starved of something many women feel they were force-fed an overdose of. So it’s not surprising that MTF trans people and feminists are often on totally different wave-lengths when it comes to the issue of “looking pretty.”Admittedly, the issue of appreciation of male beauty is changing these days, but still there’s the whole “look handsome, but don’t look too pretty” dynamic that men face. (At least those who care about their appearance.)

I recently talked with a crossdresser who’s extremely convincing—from her photos you’d think she was born female and she’s won two national female impersonation titles—and even she gets read sometimes. But she said part of her enjoys the attention (including when she gets read), and I’d have to agree. I think for many of us the motivations to dress include a bit of (healthy) exhibitionism. Not the flasher-in-raincoat kind of exhibitionism, but rather the desire to look good and show off the way women are allowed to in a way that is not nearly acceptable for men. (Of course feeling like you have to be on display isn’t fun, but we’re talking about grass-is-greener desires here.)

Interestingly, a female friend commented that I’ve been trying too hard to blend in, and I well, blended in. She thought there was a bit I could do to look glamourous—but that looking that way would draw attention and was I ready for that. It was a good question. As a crossdresser attention is a two-edged sword. Am I getting attention because I’m
beautiful or because I’m being read—or both.

On one of my mailing lists someone asked whether going out en femme and not trying to pass is a sign of total acceptance of transgender expression, or just poor skills in transformation, or possibly a mild antisocial behavior.

It can be any or all or the above. There was a famous rich “character” named Neil Cargile who started cross-dressing (and was profiled in the New Yorker). He looked slapped together and there was absolutely no chance he’d be mistaken for anything but a guy in dress. OTOH, I wonder if he wasn’t a crossdresser, but rather just doing it for the
attention (he’d been an attention getter most of his life). OTOH, deliberately being sloppy could be a way of disguising that he really was experiencing transgendered feelings. We’ll probably never know.

On another list, someone else had some good definitions: “Passing” is the ability to present oneself as the gender they are portraying. “Minimal passing” is being recognized as the gender one is portraying in a public environment. “Ultimate passing” is being recognized as the gender one is portraying in a conversational environment. “Fantasy passing” is being accepted as the gender one is portraying among teenagers at all times.

What she calls “minimal passing” I think of as “blending in,” which is something I try for. I’d prefer to be seen as just another woman. (If society were a bit more accepting and I were a bit braver, I’d also like to do the Eddie Izzard-gender bending look some of the time, but that’s another story.) But realistically I’m going to be read some of the
time, which is why my other goal is being “presentable.” If you’re read and you act like you deserve respect, my experience is that you’ll usually get it.