A Dahl’s House

So here I am in my hotel room packing up to head over to my Mom’s house—and literally compartmentizing my life.

I took out the studs I normally wear in my ears. I removed the polish I normally wear on my toes.

I got a add-on to iPhoto that lets you have separate photo libraries—so I’m moving all my femme photos into one that’s separate from all the other photos she might want to see.

I met a friend en femme in LA, so I’m now putting my skirt and top into compartments of the suitcase where they won’t be noticeable. The breast forms, shoes and purse will have to go a shopping bag that I’ll let in the trunk and hope she won’t notice them during our trip to San Diego.

I’ve got to stop by the department store to pick up some long pajama bottoms, since we’ll be sharing a hotel room. The shaved arms may not be noticed, but I’m sure shaved legs would. Which why I also “forgot” to bring shorts. Hopefully it won’t be too hot…

The ironic thing is that if I told her, I’m sure she’d probably be accepting. But frankly, I don’t want her to worry—and I’m also sure she would. And since we live in different cities, I only see her in person a couple times a year, so compartmentalizing is possible. Who know maybe I’ll change my mind, maybe she’ll notice something and ask…

It’s obviously minor compared to the some of things others are dealing with, but there are times when riding the kiddie rollercoaster* ain’t fun—especially realizing that I’m going to be riding it for the rest of my life. Compartmentalizing who you are just sucks. And just… sometimes… it would be nice to be able to pass through the fire and move on. But then again, I suppose the grass is always greener….

Anyway, don’t worry, I’m heading to the beach so I’ll feel better in a bit. It’s just one of those passing moods.

*My friend, Michelle, once eloquently talked about how, compared to transitioning, the problems of being a crossdresser is the difference between jumping off a cliff and riding the kiddie roller coaster. But, as she said, who really wants to ride the kiddie coaster for the rest of their lives?

As far as why I never felt hugely guilty, I’m not sure.

Probably because I was one of the “geeks and freaks.” So very early I probably realized it was in part an escape. If you really want to be someone else, changing gender definitely helps. Plus, I could be the desirable, attractive person I didn’t feel like in real life. It’s also probably because when I was in college I went through some open questioning about men’s gender roles. Didn’t really talk to anyone about it, but went through a bunch of the men’s lib and feminist literature.

But that didn’t really resonant with me—a lot of seemed to buy into the idea that men were imperfect women. I didn’t think there was something wrong with being tough and competitive in appropriate situations, I just wanted the freedom to also be pretty, nuturing, etc. as well. The other thing that turned me off was that like some feminist literature, a lot seemed to be written by very damaged individuals who assume their personal traumas were something that were routinely inflicted on the population at large.

So I guess I ended up realizing my dressing was in part due to my discomfort over these sorts of issues although it still wasn’t something I wanted to share with the neighbors.

I’ve been having ah…discussions on one my mailing lists with one transsexual who annoying the hell out me because she refuses to accept that I’m happy being “just a crossdresser.” She was a late transitioner who was a crossdresser for years until she had her “transsexual breakdown” and could no longer deny it. She really regrets not transitioning sooner, so now she says she’s on a mission to help others break through their denial.

While she’s well-intentioned, she’s pissing me off because she doesn’t want to hear that I have pondered the issue at length and decided I’m happy where I am. I suspect she’s not
centered enough to see that others can take a different path. I suppose another factor is that it can be threatening that others that that different path. She tells me she was never happy as a man, and because our life stories are similiar I can see how that fact that I
am happy as a man could be threatening—I “succeeded” where she “failed.” A more balanced person would see the reality that she and I simply had different paths. Nothing more, nothing less.

It may be transsexuals like her feel such gender dysphoria that they genuinely just can’t seem to understand not everyone is as uncomfortable. Also, the “pushy” ones I’ve met often seem to be those who were in denial for a long time and assume because they were kidding themselves about “just being a cross-dresser” everyone else must be too. In part I wonder if it’s not to ward off any second thoughts they may be secretly feeling. In sense they can become zealots—mostly to themselves, but secondarily to those around them. Hence the attitude that crossdressers are just pretenders who lack the balls (ovaries?) to admit they’re really transsexual.

Most transexuals and full-time transgenderists I’ve met are respectful of the different paths, but there are those who can’t seem to grasp that others may be on different paths.

I suspect it’s for a couple reasons, first off they’re obviously making a huge, life-changing decisions and I think they want/need to cut themselves off from any male side to do so. Second, I think being a transman who still likes to sew, etc. implies the spectrum is
blurrier than they might like to think, and raises the possibility that there’s some choice in how one handles your transgender feelings. It’s similar to how gays and lesbians often deny the existence bisexuality just as much as straights do (bi’s being seen as just being homosexuals who don’t have the courage to come out). Being biologically-determined helps in a bid for respectably. After all one can’t help it. But acknowledging there’s a spectrum suddenly muddies things—both in terms of gaining society’s acceptance and for avoiding potential remorse over what’s a momentuous decision (whether it’s GRS or coming out as homosexual) that often involves huge sacrifices.I do know transsexuals for whom it was “GRS or suicide,” but I also know those who ended up postponing or foregoing GRS because other factors (such as love wife and family) took priority. And of course there’s all of us others along the spectrum. The urge may be biologically based, but how you deal with that urge isn’t.

The other aspect I see coming out of this is envy. Much as I hate the closet, as a crossdresser I can go back into it. Transsexuals don’t necessarily have that luxury (although a good number of them “disappear into the woodwork”) and I suspect some hate the fact that people like me do. Again, if you’re centered enough, you can realize that others’ fortune doesn’t come at the expense of your own, but it you’re not centered, it’s easy to lash out.

That said, I’m sure crossdressers do things to cause friction as well, but not being transsexual I can’t really speak to that. It’s just sad that some people can’t seem to accept their life experience isn’t necessarily the life experience of others.