A Dahl’s House

Glad someone called him on it to his face. As I’ve said before, it’s time to retire “hot tranny mess.”

Siriano had another fun run-in with the evening’s host, Dirty Sexy Money’s transgendered star Candis Cayne.

Siriano was onstage and uttered his catchphrase “hot tranny mess.” Cayne came from backstage, my source says, and hissed, “I hope you aren’t talking about me.”

Siriano insisted he wasn’t, cooing, “You’re a hot tranny success!”

Contrast this with Dominique from “America’s Top Model.”

TVGuide.com: C’mon, you’re not at least a little sore about all the transvestite remarks you kept getting from the judges?

Dominique: Honestly, I took being called a transvestite as a compliment. I mean, transvestites are some of the most beautiful women in the world. They carry themselves sometimes better than most women. There’s so much grace, poise, and the makeup and hair are perfect.

Dominique, you are so hot tranny fabuliciousness.

I recently talked with a crossdresser who’s extremely convincing—from her photos you’d think she was born female and she’s won two national female impersonation titles—and even she gets read sometimes. But she said part of her enjoys the attention (including when she gets read), and I’d have to agree. I think for many of us the motivations to dress include a bit of (healthy) exhibitionism. Not the flasher-in-raincoat kind of exhibitionism, but rather the desire to look good and show off the way women are allowed to in a way that is not nearly acceptable for men. (Of course feeling like you have to be on display isn’t fun, but we’re talking about grass-is-greener desires here.)

Interestingly, a female friend commented that I’ve been trying too hard to blend in, and I well, blended in. She thought there was a bit I could do to look glamourous—but that looking that way would draw attention and was I ready for that. It was a good question. As a crossdresser attention is a two-edged sword. Am I getting attention because I’m
beautiful or because I’m being read—or both.

On one of my mailing lists someone asked whether going out en femme and not trying to pass is a sign of total acceptance of transgender expression, or just poor skills in transformation, or possibly a mild antisocial behavior.

It can be any or all or the above. There was a famous rich “character” named Neil Cargile who started cross-dressing (and was profiled in the New Yorker). He looked slapped together and there was absolutely no chance he’d be mistaken for anything but a guy in dress. OTOH, I wonder if he wasn’t a crossdresser, but rather just doing it for the
attention (he’d been an attention getter most of his life). OTOH, deliberately being sloppy could be a way of disguising that he really was experiencing transgendered feelings. We’ll probably never know.

On another list, someone else had some good definitions: “Passing” is the ability to present oneself as the gender they are portraying. “Minimal passing” is being recognized as the gender one is portraying in a public environment. “Ultimate passing” is being recognized as the gender one is portraying in a conversational environment. “Fantasy passing” is being accepted as the gender one is portraying among teenagers at all times.

What she calls “minimal passing” I think of as “blending in,” which is something I try for. I’d prefer to be seen as just another woman. (If society were a bit more accepting and I were a bit braver, I’d also like to do the Eddie Izzard-gender bending look some of the time, but that’s another story.) But realistically I’m going to be read some of the
time, which is why my other goal is being “presentable.” If you’re read and you act like you deserve respect, my experience is that you’ll usually get it.

On a forum for crossdressers that I belong to, a rather embittered member plaintively asked how exactly one goes about accepting yourself—she’s tried and failed on numerous occasions to get over the guilt and shame she feels.

Here’s my tip—drawn from Gerald Weinberg’s excellent “Becoming a Technical Leader,” which has a lot about learning to manage yourself before you manage others. (more…)

On a forum I belong to someone was looking for clever ways of dressing to conceal the fact that you’re a man in dress. Here’s some of my thoughts on how to do this.

Finding a glue that’s temporary yet will hold nails on securely has been a challenge, but I discovered Aleene’s Tack-It Over & Over seems to work great. It’s a pressure-sensitive glue intended let you reposition stuff (similar to the way Post-It notes work). You can find at craft stores. Since the instructions say to blot it on the back of your hand before applying it to a surface I’m reasonably sure it’s non-toxic.

Here’s what I did.

Zappos has a huge number of shoes in a wide range of sizes, useful user reviews about sizing and free shipping/returns. What’s not to like?
Also check out:

• Avenue, which carries both plus-sized clothing and shoes. I’ve found their Cloudwalkers to be quite comfortable.


• Designershoes.com


• Lane Bryant Catalog—I’m not a fan of their clothing, which is dowdy compared to the Lane Bryant retail stores (which are a separate company), but they’ve got a lot of large-sized shows.


• Pierre Silber has a good range, but leans more toward club/fetish shoes.


• Womenshoesplus.com

Payless Shoes and Nordstorms carry large sizes and Nordstrom’s Rack (their discount outlet) in particular often has large sizes at good prices.

Ran across a great book, “Don’t Go to the Cosmetics Counter Without Me,” which essentially a Consumer Reports-guide to skin-care and cosmetic products. Definitely can save you money—there’s a lot of hype and over-priced products.
The bad news—I discovered the Aveda rosemary mint products that smell really nice also contain lots of stuff that irritate the skin, which may be why I’ve been having some break-out problems.

The good news—the author, Paula Begoun, generally likes MAC products, although she thinks many of the Full Coverage shades don’t match well (I’ve noticed mine seems a little peachy) and are a bit heavy. She really like the Illuminare foundation that some others have mentioned. No word on ColorTration unfortunately.

The even better news—many of the product reviews are available for free on her website, which also offers a line of skin and cosmetics that Begoun create herself out of frustration with existing products. (Yes, there is a bit of conflict of interest to her reviews, which Begoun is upfront about and in her book she doesn’t rate her own products for that reason.) Haven’t tried any of the Paula’s Choice stuff yet, but some of her skin care product look interesting.

Restrooms are a problematic issue, but the concensus among various crossdresser forums is that women’s rooms are far safer. Better to get slapped than punched out.

For what’s worth, a female friend of mine tell me women are generally so preoccupied with finding a stall, or talking with someone, or checking their make-up that they’re not usually paying much attention to what’s going on around them, so it you’re quick and confident about it, you probably won’t have problems.
Generally, it’s best to go in, do your business—making sure the feet are pointed the right way, wash up (women don’t skip this step) and get out. Don’t adjust your make-up, strike up conversation, etc. And be sure to clean up the seat if you miss—it’s just good manners regardless of how you’re dress.

If someone is confrontational, just let them know you don’t mean to intrude but you really need to pee and it’s not safe for you to use the men’s room. If they’re still confrontational, then discretion is the better part of valor—so just go ahead and leave. It’s not necessarily illegal, but you can get charged with “disturbing the peace” or whatever other charge that might come to mind of a cop—and you’re the one who’ll have to disprove it.

If there’s a single-stall restroom, then using the women’s isn’t really an issue. In the States, there’s an increasing number of “family restrooms” that are also single-stalls (also with baby-changing tables) and single-stall restrooms for the disabled that are the best choice for the crossdressers out on the town.

I’ve seen a number older crossdressers who dress like teenage girls. And believe, it looks just as ridiculous as when women “of a certain age” also dress that way. But you don’t have to go frumpy after 40, there’s a lot of good tips on how to be stylish yet age-appropriate in this forum discussion at Dress Me Now, a fashion tip site for women.

The same thing that women do when they’re not interested.

Say something to the effect of “thanks, but I’m not interested” or “I’m flattered by your interest, but I’m hanging out with my friends tonight.” You don’t have to make a big deal out of him being a man, although if it’s a “mixed” gay/straight bar, letting him know that you’re not into to men might be appropriate if said in a matter-of-fact way. Then go back to what you’re doing and don’t act intimidated. So far it’s worked for me.

If he doesn’t take no for an answer, then let the management know you’re being bothered. That’s one reason I tip well, it tends to make the bartenders be protective of their good customers. If they make a scene with him, then it is wise to be safety conscious leaving afterwards and perhaps have someone walk you to your car.